Month: July 2020

Self-Imposed Celibacy

Why so many women are taking time off from sex.

While there are many women who would be scandalized by the mere idea of ‘doing without’ for any period of time, there are probably as many who long to take a break from the battlefield.  For these women, a sexual hiatus is far from a ‘dry season’; it’s a chance to regroup and rediscover themselves and their priorities in an already oversexed world. 

Among the many reasons women take this step are:

They’re tired of being hurt

Done-me-wrong songs go platinum for a reason: we’ve all been hurt, so we can all identify with the heartbreak set on the radio.  For some women, though, the prospect of enduring another broken heart is more than they can bear.  The hopeless romantics among us fall hard and fast, and too often, we fall for the wrong guy.  Like a chameleon, ‘the wrong guy’ can appear in many disguises: married, slacker, parasite, user, closet bisexual, sweet-talker and two-timer.  Who wouldn’t want to take a break from that?

Sex clouds the issue

Looking for Mr. Right is like being a pearl diver searching the sea floor for oysters, but at the same time, churning up the sand so that the water becomes too cloudy to see anything.  Giving up sex for a while allows a woman’s vision to clear.  Taking the prospect of sex (and its mind-altering effects) out of the equation makes it possible to judge a man on other qualities, and to spend more time getting to know who he really is. 

It really isn’t necessary to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince: if you spend enough time in a man’s company, he’ll reveal by his words and actions whether or not he has royal blood.

They want to pursue other interests

Sex takes up a lot of a woman’s time.  Well, not necessarily the act of making love, but everything that leads up to or results from it.  The preparations for each date, the time spent shopping for the right outfit, the obsessions over the man in question (does he love me, did I say the right thing/act the right way last time we met, what if he doesn’t care for me as much as I care for him, ad nauseam) not only soak up huge amounts of valuable time, they also sap us of our energy.

Some women decide this is all too taxing, and turn their interests to something that brings them a sense of accomplishment while relieving them of their responsibility to satisfy someone else.  They take an art class, write their memoirs, plant a garden, travel… and in so doing, reach out to someone truly deserving of their love and attention: themselves.

They’re afraid of catching something

HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HPV, herpes, hepatitis, thrush and trichomoniasis…the list goes on forever, but you get the picture.  With all those vicious—and occasionally deadly—bugs out there, the only guaranteed way to avoid contraction is for two healthy people to be in a committed, faithful relationship.  For some women, until that happens, nothing else if going to happen.

They don’t get much out of it anyway

Sadly, for some women, sex is situated somewhere on the pleasure scale between brushing their teeth and drying and packing away the dishes.  It’s a necessary act, vital to maintain harmony in the home or the relationship, but not something they see as doing to please themselves. 

Sometimes removing the sense of obligation is enough to give a woman time to find out whether her lack of sexual pleasure has emotional, psychological or physical causes, and to take steps to rectify the problem.  With an understanding mate, taking a break can be the recipe for rediscovering sexual joy once the embargo is lifted.

They want to reach out and touch the face of God

Some women arrive at new religious convictions or embrace those of their youth, and in many instances, this includes reassessing their sexual behaviour.  This may require reclaiming one’s lost innocence, wrapping oneself in a cloak of ‘neo-virginity’, and staying that way either until sex can be sanctioned by the religion in question (usually marriage) or until such time as the woman feels that her spiritual quest is complete.

A brief stint of celibacy can make a good thing better

Self-imposed celibacy can be for a specific period, or until some vague point in the future when a woman knows that re-entering the arena is the right decision for her.  It doesn’t necessarily require a vow and a veil, but an awareness of the limits of one’s will power and a clear idea of the benefits and reasons for doing it.

What do you think? Any juicy stories? Leave a comment.

If Macaroni Could Talk

A lovely new book to read to your young one . . . that’s simple enough for them to read themselves.

I’m so, so happy to introduce one of my latest editing projects, If Macaroni Could Talk by Antonique Spence, which I love for so many reasons!

It’s targeted at young children, maybe four to eight, and deals with bullying in a compassionate way. It’s about the power every child has to spread love and make the world better in their own little way.

The main character, Loui, is also brown, which isn’t intrinsic to the story but I think it’s a great idea for kids of any colour to see themselves in the books they read. Here is the Amazon blurb. Please check it out for a kid you love.

As an adventurous, clever, and imaginative young girl, Loui discovers the power of her words, actions, and dreams with the help of her Grandma Carrie. Her favorite food, Grandma’s Amazing Macaroni and Cheese, quickly becomes the face of world change. The gooey, cheesy, buttery essence of Grandma’s famous recipe inspires Loui’s world, which leads her to impact others by spreading positivity to everyone, one talking note at a time.

(Side note, the author and I clicked because my grandmother’s name is Grandma Carrie too!)

Have you bought it? Do you have any comments? Let me know in the comments!

6 Questions to Ask Him on Your First Date

The first date.  It’s a thick hunk of excitement, slathered in promise, sandwiched between two slices of stress. You have to look good . . . but not too good, so he doesn’t think you’re trying too hard.  You have to flirt just enough to keep him tantalised, but not so much that he wonders if you’re the kind of girl who’d throw herself at a Good Friday Bobolee if it was wearing cologne and a nice suit.

Plus you have to find out as much as you can about him.  Presumably, if you’re actually out with the man, you’ve already ruled out the possibility that he’s an axe murderer or an escapee from an asylum.  But there’s a whole lot of stuff you should find out about him before you proceed to date two.  And the only way to get information is to come right out and ask. 

Here are a few questions that could give you X-ray vision into his mind.

What’s the scariest/grossest/most fun thing you have ever done?

This one will take him off guard.  He was probably expecting you to ask about his job, his family, his marital status . . . but this?  His answer will give you some insight into what excites him, interests, him, turns him off or on. 

Good follow-ups are: And how did you deal with it?  What did you learn?  Would you do it again?

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?

His answer can tell you how he feels about his heritage (does he want to visit the land of his ancestors?); his boyish fantasies (white-water rafting in Canada, photo safaris in Kenya); or his secret sexual desires (Bangkok, anyone?)

Another similar question: You have $1 million and one week to spend it.  Go.

If you could do any job other than the one you’re doing now, what would it be?

This is a twist on the old “what do you do for a living” question, and one that won’t make him feel you’re busy calculating his net worth at the back of your head.  His dream career will tell you where his ambitions and skills lie, and how creative he can be when it comes to dreaming big.

Other than your immediate family, what one person has had the most impact on you?

This is a good one because it will tell you what’s important to him: information, guidance, advice, encouragement, etc.  It will also show whether he’s grateful for the helping hands he’s received in his life.  There’s no such thing as a self-made man.  If he shrugs it off and says, “Nobody.  I got where I am all on my own,” he’s just fooling himself . . . but not you.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?

Does he want to save the world, raise the dead, defeat bad guys?  Cool.  Does he want to crush his enemies with an indestructible fist, burn them to a crisp with his laser-beam eyes, and hear the wailing of their womenfolk?  Run.  Run fast.

Tell me about your longest-lasting friendship, and what keeps you two together?

His answer to this one will tell you what he values about his relationships, and whether he’s a good friend or not.  (Remember, before he can become your lover, he’s got to become your friend.)

So there you go: a few questions to keep the conversational ball rolling without leaving him feeling blindsided.  He’ll probably be grateful (and flattered) that you’re interested enough to ask.  Don’t think about it as an interrogation, think of it as an interview . . . for the privileged position of Keeper of Your Heart.

Questions NEVER to ask on a first date:
  • Do you want children?
  • Do you think that girl over there is pretty?  Prettier than me?
  • Can I have a lick of your ice cream?
  • This dress is ugly, isn’t it?  I knew I shouldn’t have worn it.  I shouldn’t have worn it, right?  It’s okay, you can tell me.
  • Is your brother single?  I’m just asking because . . . well, I’m just asking. . . .

Comments? Any questions you’d like to add? What’s the worst question anyone ever asked you?