Month: August 2020

The A-B-C of M-E-N

The Alpha and Omega of the male psyche

We’ve all heard of Alpha males and Beta males, but what about the Omegas and the Gammas?  There’s an alphabet of men out there, and they’re all worth getting to know.  Because as trite as it may sound, it really does take all kinds to make a world. 

The Alpha

The Alpha male stands proud at the head of every pack.  The Alpha gorilla sports a distinguished streak of silver down his back (hence the name ‘silverback’), which in gorilla-speak means ‘he who has his choice of the best females and the best food, and will beat the daylights out of any male dumb enough to put his hands on either.”

Similarly, the human Alpha male was born to be a CEO, a surgeon, a fireman or any other testosterone-soaked profession you can think of.  Alpha males are the stuff of legend, the fabric of romantic fiction.  The Alpha strides through life picking any fruit that catches his fancy, and his choice is wide: willing females clamber over each other to catch the eye of the Alpha.

The downside?  Alphas are work-obsessed, driven and competitive.  They bristle in the presence of another Alpha, especially if women or money are involved.  The word ‘relax’ isn’t in their vocabulary.  Alphas are heart attacks waiting to happen.

The Beta

The Beta male is usually found in the shadow of the Alpha.  Generally not as large or strong, certainly not as driven, the Beta is a mild-mannered fellow who’d rather think than fight.  Young Betas like computers because computers don’t corner them in school and punch them out of they don’t pay ‘tax’.

Don’t be fooled, though, Betas are neither cowards nor weaklings.  Betas will fight for their females when necessary, although they’ll probably use more ingenuity and skill than brawn.  They embrace professions like engineering, teaching and Information Technology.  To paraphrase fantasy writer, Christopher Moore, when an Alpha goes to war, chances are he’s driving a tank engineered by a Beta.

Women like Betas because they’re solid and dependable.  They make good fathers because they come home to dinner every night and are on hand to read the kids a bedtime story—unlike Alphas, who’d rather be hacking their way through the jungles of Peru looking for lost treasure.

The Omega

Omega animals get to eat the scraps left behind when the Alpha and the Betas have eaten.  The human Omega male doesn’t get out much, and when he does, he’s usually part of the Alpha’s entourage: one of ‘de boyz and dem’.  But he’s fine with that.  He doesn’t want to be an Alpha.  Why waste all that time and energy?

Omegas don’t need to sport the latest gear or tote the newest gadget to consider himself cool.  The Omega is the anti-cool.  He’s what cool would be if cool got sucked into a black hole.  The Omega is who he is: that is all.

Although the Alphas and Betas secretly believe the Omega has a giant ‘L’ tattooed on his forehead, the Omega is no loser.  The Omega gets by using brains, stealth and cunning.  While the Alphas and Betas are out on the football field showing off their mad skillz, the Omega is in the bleachers chatting up the ladies. 

Women like Omegas because they’re sweet and shy, which brings out their mommy instinct.  Omegas write sentimental poetry and take out passionate ads in the papers declaring their love for you on Valentine’s Day.  Omegas know that flattery will get them everywhere.

The Gamma

The Gamma male is, to put it kindly, a bit of a wuss.  He’s hesitant to speak up or stand up for his rights.  He’s not very ambitious, and as a result his income is low.  A Gamma male will not only not fight back when he’s been stepped on; he’ll clean and polish the boots that stepped on him. 

When they’re not busy feeling sorry for themselves or hiding from other members of the Man-Alphabet looking to drop-kick them, they’re staring up into the heavens, waiting for a comet to come hurtling out of the sky and put them out of their misery.

Women who like their men dominant should avoid Gammas like the plague. Women who like having the upper hand, and enjoy being adored by someone grateful for their mere presence, can feel free to hunt at will.

Every bread has its cheese

There’s a type of man out there to suit every taste, from the dominant to the retiring.  From the ‘frontish’ to the shy.  It remains only for us as women to know ourselves well enough to spot the letter that suits us best, so we can enjoy a match made in heaven rather than endure a mis-match made in hell. 

Roslyn Carrington is a Beta to her very soul.  All letters of the alphabet are welcome to friend her on Facebook.

Thoughts? Other letters to add? Leave them in the comments.

How not to be a Calamity Jane

Or Jack; dudes have their moments too.

Bull in a china shop

You’re at a business dinner when someone you desperately want to impress arrives late.  As you stand and offer your hand, your sleeve catches your wine glass.  You watch in horror as it levitates, its contents arcing like a ruby rainbow.  You try to halt its trajectory by lunging forward, forgetting you’re still holding your knife in the other hand, which lands point-down in your boss’ crème brulée.  You make a grab for it, sending the gravy boat spinning.  People leap out of the way while others stare, and there you stand with your new linen suit looking like it was spatter-painted by a two-year-old.

Calamity Jane strikes again.

Why is it that some people navigate life with effortless grace while others lurch forward like WWII tanks with square wheels? 

Sometimes, chronic clumsiness can have medical roots, such as inner ear problems, motor co-ordination issues, and neurological conditions.  Other causes to look out for include poor vision, infections, fatigue, stress, drug or alcohol use, even strokes.  If your words constantly come out wrong, or if you have that nagging feeling that the way you move is just wonky, get yourself checked out by a doctor.

Generally speaking, though, some people are just born graceful…oh, and how we try hard not to hate them.  Multiple intelligence theory suggests that we all have as many as nine different ‘intelligences’ or aptitudes.  Those with high kinetic intelligence become the athletes and ballerinas of this world.  Other people occasionally spill their tea or trip over a tree root, but otherwise manage to navigate the planet unscathed.

Then there are those of us who can’t be trusted to walk and chew gum at the same time.  If you don’t fancy giving Mr. Bean a run for his money, consider employing some of these strategies to help you put one foot in front of the other without setting off a chain reaction of destruction.

Pay attention

Remember the infamous YouTube video of the woman walking into a fountain while texting?  It sounds facetious, but if she’d taken her eyes off the screen she probably would have made it to the other end of the mall high and dry.  In a multi-tasking world, it may feel like a waste of precious seconds to do just ONE thing at a time, but it works out better in the long run.  Especially if that one thing involves navigating awkward terrain or handling a blade.

Limber up

Funny how the ‘e-word’, exercise, keeps cropping up everywhere, but physically fit people really do have better co-ordination.  Apart from impacting your general health, exercises that promote strength and flexibility, such as yoga, Tai Chi, swimming, dancing, gymnastics and most martial arts, will improve your co-ordination and self-confidence.

Slow down

We get it: it’s a mad, mad world, and you have a million things to do before bed.  Who doesn’t?  But skating around like an out-take from a Benny Hill clip isn’t going to help you conquer your to-do list if you spend half that time cleaning up spills and picking up shards of crockery.

If you’re carrying a vase to the table, hold it in both hands and walk carefully.  If you’re putting something down, make sure it’s level.  Don’t run unless you’re being chased, especially not on the stairs. You are not Angelina Jolie’s stunt double.

Make sure your clothes fit

Too long, too short, too loose, too tight…all good ways to impair your movements and get you into a heap of trouble.  Check your shoes regularly for signs of wear, on the soles and the buckles.  Those of you who still use shoelaces in the age of velcro should make sure they’re securely tied.  Trailing laces only look cute on kindergarteners, and if they trip on them, they have a much shorter distance to fall.

Lefties beware

A handful (pardon the pun) of studies suggest that left-handers have a slightly shorter life expectancy than righties.  While much of this can be attributed to physical and biochemical differences (such as lowered immunity to certain diseases) some of it is also attributed to a higher rate of serious accidents.

Are lefties clumsier?  Not necessarily, but they are bombarded daily by tools and implements designed for a right-handed world: doors, handles, machinery, even table settings.  As a result, they handle items more awkwardly, and hurt themselves more often.  Bottom line: lefties need to be more careful.

R-E-L-A-X

Don’t fool yourself; you’re going to have bad days.  But with a little care and attention, you’re going to have more good ones than ever.  Practice these rules long enough, and your Calamity Jane moments might well be behind you.  Just don’t forget they’re there, and back up and trip over them.

Share your calamity stories in the comments!