Month: December 2020

If you’re one of those people who are already well into their Christmas shopping, congratulations. The rest of us procrastinators will try not to hate you.

But while we’re on the subject, here’s a little heads-up. If our names are on your Christmas list, I’d like to suggest a few items you need to scratch OFF your list. Just to ensure we’re still friends come December 26^th. Especially you, guys. Yeah, I’m looking at you!

Diet or exercise gear/books/programmes/equipment

Know how to make a woman paranoid? That’s how you make a woman paranoid. YOU think you’re saying, “I love you and I want you to be healthy, so you can be around forever.” WE hear, “Baby, you’re so fat, when you get cut you bleed gravy.”

No matter how well-intentioned your gesture, or unless we asked for it, step AWAY from that set of dumbbells. You’re in the wrong store.

Cheap candy. Especially chocolate.

Luxurious, decadent chocolates are one step below angels’ kisses. Cheap, off-brand bargain chocolates taste like mud-pies made by the devil’s children. If the price tag on that box of chocolates doesn’t make you cringe, I’m not eating it.

Makeup

Unless you know me very well, and are able to visualise my exact skin-tone in your mind while buying cosmetics under glaring fluorescent lights, please don’t. I don’t want my face to look like I woke up in Woodbrook after sunrise on J’ouvert and can’t remember how I got there.

Anything Christmas-themed

Thank you for the lovely Rudolph-print T-Shirt and matching jingle-bell hat. I’ll think of you next time I wear it — 365 days from now….

A home-made black cake

How sweet. I’ll just store it right here in the back of the fridge … right next to the ones from the last 3 Christmases.

A live animal

As much as I adore anything 4-footed, I’d prefer to choose the companions I will be spending the next 10-15 years of my life with, thanks.

Dumb, pointless gadgets.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I don’t need a chicken-shaped egg-timer that doubles as a fingernail clipper, electric bedsocks, or a robot cat-petting machine. I’m pretty good at knowing when to turn my eggs off (and I bite my nails), my feet are always over-heated, and my cats have no complaints about my back-scratching abilities. That, and the fact that I think junk cluttering up my house is bad for my chi.

So, there you have it, my top don’t-wants for this season, and I’m sure I speak for many of my sisters. Do you want to know what we really want for Christmas? Why not let us climb onto your lap like Santa, and ask?

When you peel away the wrappings on your honey’s Christmas gift to you this year, will you also have to uncover the hidden layers of meaning underneath?  Are there any secret, unspoken messages sprinkled among the glitter and bows?  Here’s our handy guide to guy-speak at Christmas time.

He gives you…exercise equipment

You think:  He’s trying to tell me I’m fat!

We say: He’s concerned for your health.  He’s been around long enough to know that your get-fit-for-Carnival binge starts right after Boxing Day, so he’s just trying to give you a head start.  Kit up and start exercising.  You’ll feel better, and you’ll have more energy in bed: a bonus for both of you.

He gives you…perfume.  Which you never wear, because you’re allergic.

You think: He never pays attention!  How could he not know perfume makes me sneeze?

We say: Yes, he probably needs to pay a little more mind to your likes and dislikes.  Still, this gift is loaded with clues about what’s going on in his head.  Maybe the name triggers an emotional response that could clue you in to his image of you: is it called Tigress, or Innocence?   Or perhaps it’s the scent.  Is it the kind his mother wears, or the kind his ex-girlfriend used to?  Either way, the man needs a refresher.

He gives you…a gift certificate

You think: Great.  He spent about four and a half minutes shopping for me.

We say: Probably the opposite.   Most likely he spent four and a half DAYS combing the malls, bathed in cold sweat, too afraid to get you something you’d hate.  Then he gave up and passed the hot potato on to you.  Unless it’s just a coupon for a burger and fries, kiss the man and go shopping.

He gives you…an old fashioned floral arrangement

You think: He’s confused me with his grandma!

We say: Spare us the pity party, princess.  We’d kill for a man who remembers to send us flowers on special occasions.

He gives you…clothes, but they’re too big.

You think: Does my butt look the size of a barn to him?

We say: Give the man a break.  Men find our complex sizing codes (regular, misses, junior petite) harder to understand than a quadratic equation.  Unless your new gear is labelled ‘control top’, just smile sweetly, ask for the receipt, and exchange it.

He gives you…clothes, but they’re too small

You think: Is this a hint?  Is this the size he wants me to be?

We say: As above.  Be flattered that he doesn’t even notice those extra pounds you put on for the season.

He gives you…clothes, and they fit perfectly

You think: How many women has he been with that he knows a size 28 long when he sees one?

We say: Is there no pleasing you?  Poor guy probably sneaked into your closet and took painstaking note of all your clothing labels, sizes and colour preferences.  Give the man an A-plus and thank him appropriately.

He gives you…diamonds.  Especially if they go around your finger

You think: Diamonds!  Diamonds are forever! Does this mean we’re getting serious?  Are we engaged, or what?

We say: Whoa, there sweetcakes!  Slow down.  Unless your diamond ring is presented to you on bended knee, hold off on choosing your colour scheme.  Diamonds are pretty and sparkly.  He thinks you’re pretty and sparkly, too.  Once again, an A-plus is in order…as well as many, many thank-you kisses.

It’s all well and good to ponder and wonder about what his gift means or doesn’t mean, but don’t get carried away.  Sometimes a rose is just a rose.  Enjoy the fact  that he cares about you enough to get you something, and make sure he knows you appreciate how hard he tried.  And value his greatest gift of all: love.

Now, what are you getting for him? Let us know here.