Author: Roslyn Carrington

Roslyn Carrington has been a freelance writer, editor and proofreader for over 11 years. She has published 14 novels and has ghost-written several memoirs and non-fiction works. She writes, edits and proofreads for a variety of publications and corporate clients.

How to Get out of an Invitation

Without getting caught in a lie

I don’t want to sound mean, but sometimes you get invited somewhere—to a dinner with people you’d rather avoid, to your cousin’s god-daughter’s piano recital, or even on a date with a guy who’s trying to get his ear-hairs into the Guinness Book of Records. You’d rather chew on tinfoil that go, but you don’t want to hurt any feelings either.

We’ve come up with a few off-the-cuff excuses that you can throw out in a moment of panic . . . but be warned: some can come with a backlash.

  1. “My car’s making a strange thumping sound, and I’d rather not be on the road at night.”

Backlash: They might turn out to be amateur mechanics, and begin hurling questions at you like, “Is it a steady thump-thump-thump, or more like a thumpety-thumpety-thump? Did you try rotarising the neutrals?” Worse yet, they might offer to pick you up.

  • “I think my dog has chikungunya. I need to stay home and monitor him.”

Backlash: They might point out that dogs don’t get chikungunya, to which your only response is, “As far as you know . . ..”

  • “I’m on a new Hollywood detox. It’s an extremely powerful cleanse, so I can’t be away from home for more than 20 minutes.

No backlash I can think of. If they begin to protest, launch into a graphic description of all the stuff that comes out of you. They’ll be off the phone before you can draw a second breath.

  • “I have to help my grandma sort through her photo albums. You know how they are when they get old and start cracking up . . . the photos, I mean, not my grandma . . ..”

Warning: this excuse only works if your grandmother is still alive.

  • “My kid flushed her teddy bear down the toilet. Then she tried to send the cat down to retrieve it. It’s hell in there . . ..”

No backlash here: they’ll hang up feeling relieved that they decided to remain childless.

  • “Thanks, but I’d rather not.”

Clean, simple, and honest. If all else fails, try this one out. Let me know how it went.

Welcome to the Second Chances series

A collection of books that will really make you feel all snuggly

So proud of one of my favorite clients, Alexis Ashlie, who has just released another sensual and heartwarming series of short romances, the Second Chances series. I’m so proud to have been her editor for this darling collection of books.

Here’s a snippet of what the series is all about:

The Second Chances Antique Store, where the magic of second chances happens.

My name is Tabitha. I’m a third-generation matchmaker, but my gift lies in romantic second chances. My favorite thing is helping people who were meant to be together, but who lost each other somewhere along the way.
Customers walk into my little wonderland and are enchanted by the hundreds of treasures, each of which has been owned and loved before, and each of which will be loved again.
But my special customers, those who have shown themselves to be honest, brave, self-sacrificing and kind, I single out for a special gift. They each leave with a small, semi-precious stone that will bring the magic home to them. They leave holding their own hearts in the palm of their hands.
This is my magic: my ability to offer these wounded people a second chance at a long-lost love.

Yup, it’s about a magical little store where people go to browse through an endless collection of antiques . . . and always stumble upon something that leads to a second chance at love.

Sounds good? Click here to read more about each book.

Moving in with him … after 40

Not ‘for better or worse’ … more like ‘for better or slightly less better’.

You’ve gotten past the “getting to know you phase” and the “impress each other on dates” phase.  The first blush of love has mellowed to a nice, comfortable pinkish hue, and after investing months or even years into your relationship, you start to think, hey, why not take this baby for a test drive around the block and see how she handles?  You’re not ready to jump the broom, but maybe sharing an address is the next logical step.

The only thing is, you aren’t exactly spring bunnies; you’re both over 40, survived a few relationship wars, and haven’t called your mother’s house ‘home’ in 20 years.  Is moving in with a man at this point really a good idea?

Let’s break it down and see.

Pro: You probably already have two houses to choose from.

By now, you’ve both got property, so running the gruelling housing gauntlet isn’t an issue.  All you have to do is decide which home is most convenient to both of you in terms of distance from work, access to friends and family, and so on.

Con: Dogs aren’t the only creatures with a territorial instinct

As much as you love him, deep down you’ll still see your house as YOURS, and so will he.  On a subconscious level, you’re going to resent the interloper if he tries to put his own stamp on your territory…and he will.  Don’t be surprised if you have to choke down a grizzly-bear roar when you see him hammering a nail into YOUR wall to hang HIS butt-ugly painting.

Pro: you’ve probably got everything you need

Unless you’re excited about kitting out your joint home with spanking new stuff, you probably have between you all the furniture, appliances and linens you need.

Con: His, yours, ours

Which of the two fridges, master beds, coffee makers and salad spinners do you keep?  And what do you do with the duplicates?  Storing them might feel like you’re blighting the relationship…keeping a backup plan in case you have to move out again.  Selling them might make you nervous…what if you break up and need them?

And just wait ‘till you catch him using YOUR measuring cup as a drinking glass…

Pro: You’ve probably lived with someone before, so little can shock you

Walking into the bathroom and discovering that your man doesn’t only use his beard trimmer to clip the hair on his FACE probably won’t send you screaming.   There are, uh, personal things that people do in the privacy of their own homes that they don’t own up to during the ‘just dating’ phase.

 Also, be grateful that he knows you bleach your moustache, but loves you anyway.

Con: Old habits resist death like Tasmanian devils resist being petted

Honey, in his 40-plus years on planet Earth, the man will have cultivated some stomach-churning habits that will not endear him to you.  He’ll have friends who’ve been by his side since school days, and you can bet that at least one or two of them will leave you yearning for the solitude of a Tibetan mountain peak. 

Think you can lay down the law and ‘fix’ him?  Think again.  This isn’t a young bronco you can break: this is an old work horse accustomed to his routine and he likes it that way.  Try not to grind down the enamel on your teeth as you learn to live with it.

Other issues to consider:
  • Baggage isn’t just found in airports.  By age 40, most of us have accumulated a fair amount of it.  Children…exes…a whole shopping list of life’s little collectibles that you will either have to love, tolerate, or get used to hating.
  • Money matters.  You may be used to ‘handling your stories’ financially, but now there are two of you.  Do you pool your money and use it as you see fit, set up a separate housekeeping account and pay your bills out of that, or simply split up your expenses and each handle a specific set?  Whatever you do, come up with a clear agreement early, or you can bet your bottom dollar (ha) that it will come back to haunt you.

Moving in together has its challenges, and shouldn’t be taken lightly.  Making that decision at ‘a certain age’ might have its own set of considerations.  There may be lots to lose, but there’s lots to gain: love, companionship, sex on tap, and someone on hand to kill spiders and unscrew tight jar lids.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Easy ways to improve your life … 30 days at a time

I dare you!

Every once in a while we stop and take stock of ourselves, and feel like we should change something.  The problem lies in the mistaken belief that we should make huge, life-shaking changes…and that’s when we become discouraged.

The secret is to take on small, easy challenges, that take very little effort, but add up to so much in the end.

Here are 5 easy 30-day challenges that won’t take a whole lot out of you, but which are sure to add richness to your life.

  • Watch one documentary a day for 30 days.

Try short pieces like those on TED Talks; they usually run 15 minutes or so.  Browse through and pick from the endless variety of topics.  Be sure to share what you learned.

  • Take a photo every day for 30 days.

Keep your phone or pocket camera nearby, and keep an eye out for something that touches you or says something about your life.  Post your photos online or in a private journal, with a short note explaining what the shot means to you.  You’d be surprised how textured your life will seem once you open your eyes.

  •  Say hello to a stranger every day for 30 days.

No, not creepy looking guys in the street, but people you pass by or interact with wordlessly all the time.  The cashier at the store, the doubles man, the janitor at the office.  “Hello?  How are you?  How’s your day going?” can make all the difference in someone else’s day.

  • Take a cold shower every day for 30 days.

No joke; most of us have become a little too dependent on the luxury of warm showers.  A good, bracing daily shower will brighten your skin, wake you up, and make you more alert to face the day.  It will also make you less dependent on first-world niceties that the vast majority of the world does without.

  • Swallow negative or pessimistic comments about yourself or others for 30 days.

You’ll be surprised how eliminating negativity from the tip of your tongue also erases it from your heart and your mood.  You’ll start to feel lighter in no time.

Try one of these challenges, starting today.

Any more to suggest? Comment here.

How NOT to Dress on Your First Date

Rock your sense of style

Hey, you! Look what I found! An article I wrote YONKS ago, for some throwaway page. Even then, I knew it was all blather. But now, older me thinks this has got to be one of the most sexist things I have ever written.

WEAR WHATEVER YOU DAMN WELL PLEASE!

Anyway, enjoy. (*insert eye-roll)

You’re stepping out for the first time with a new man, and you’re well aware of just how much first impressions can affect whatever comes later. Not to put too much pressure on you, but it’s not just what you do and say that matters; it’s what you wear.

Sad, but true.

I’m sure you rock your own sense of style, but I’d like to pass on a few suggestions on what you don’t wear.

A makeup mask

If you wear enough makeup to make the Joker jealous, it’s probably too much. Most men don’t care that much one way or the other, but a heavy slick of paint makes them wary. You assume he’s admiring the airbrushing job you’ve done, but he’s really wondering . . . “Is she a cyborg? Is there a layer of titanium under all that?” Wear just enough to show you appreciate him enough to make the effort, and leave it at that.

Noisy jewellery

I love the chunky bead look, too, but if your wrist makes so much noise when you reach for the popcorn that people think cows have invaded the cinema, you’re wearing too much.

Heavy perfume

Maybe he has allergies. Maybe he doesn’t enjoy the sensation of being locked in a florist’s back room. Wait a little until you find out how he feels about heavy scents before you splash them on.

Micro mini, micro tops, micro anything

Unless he’s a dermatologist, he’s probably not interested in seeing wide expanses of your bare skin so soon. Something sexy but . . . uh . . . a little decorous might be a better bet.

What you should wear

A big smile, a positive attitude, and whatever shows your personality while making you comfortable. There; you’re all set.

Cringe, right? Don’t forget to comment!

All I Want for Christmas is … Not This

Assuming, of course, you want to get me something . . .

If you’re one of those people who are already well into their Christmas shopping, congratulations. The rest of us procrastinators will try not to hate you.

But while we’re on the subject, here’s a little heads-up. If our names are on your Christmas list, I’d like to suggest a few items you need to scratch OFF your list. Just to ensure we’re still friends come December 26th. Especially you, guys. Yeah, I’m looking at you!

Diet or exercise gear/books/programmes/equipment

Know how to make a woman paranoid? That’s how you make a woman paranoid. YOU think you’re saying, “I love you and I want you to be healthy, so you can be around forever.” WE hear, “Baby, you’re so fat, when you get cut you bleed gravy.”

No matter how well-intentioned your gesture, or unless we asked for it, step AWAY from that set of dumbbells. You’re in the wrong store.

Cheap candy. Especially chocolate.

Luxurious, decadent chocolates are one step below angels’ kisses. Cheap, off-brand bargain chocolates taste like mud-pies made by the devil’s children. If the price tag on that box of chocolates doesn’t make you cringe, I’m not eating it.

Makeup

Unless you know me very well, and are able to visualise my exact skin-tone in your mind while buying cosmetics under glaring fluorescent lights, please don’t. I don’t want my face to look like I woke up in Woodbrook after sunrise on J’ouvert and can’t remember how I got there.

Anything Christmas-themed

Thank you for the lovely Rudolph-print T-Shirt and matching jingle-bell hat. I’ll think of you next time I wear it — 365 days from now….

A home-made black cake

How sweet. I’ll just store it right here in the back of the fridge … right next to the ones from the last 3 Christmases.

A live animal

As much as I adore anything 4-footed, I’d prefer to choose the companions I will be spending the next 10-15 years of my life with, thanks.

Dumb, pointless gadgets.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I don’t need a chicken-shaped egg-timer that doubles as a fingernail clipper, electric bedsocks, or a robot cat-petting machine. I’m pretty good at knowing when to turn my eggs off (and I bite my nails), my feet are always over-heated, and my cats have no complaints about my back-scratching abilities. That, and the fact that I think junk cluttering up my house is bad for my chi.

So, there you have it, my top don’t-wants for this season, and I’m sure I speak for many of my sisters. Do you want to know what we really want for Christmas? Why not let us climb onto your lap like Santa, and ask?

What does his Christmas gift mean?

The secret messages behind your man’s gifts

When you peel away the wrappings on your honey’s Christmas gift to you this year, will you also have to uncover the hidden layers of meaning underneath?  Are there any secret, unspoken messages sprinkled among the glitter and bows?  Here’s our handy guide to guy-speak at Christmas time.

He gives you…exercise equipment

You think:  He’s trying to tell me I’m fat!

We say: He’s concerned for your health.  He’s been around long enough to know that your get-fit-for-Carnival binge starts right after Boxing Day, so he’s just trying to give you a head start.  Kit up and start exercising.  You’ll feel better, and you’ll have more energy in bed: a bonus for both of you.

He gives you…perfume.  Which you never wear, because you’re allergic.

You think: He never pays attention!  How could he not know perfume makes me sneeze?

We say: Yes, he probably needs to pay a little more mind to your likes and dislikes.  Still, this gift is loaded with clues about what’s going on in his head.  Maybe the name triggers an emotional response that could clue you in to his image of you: is it called Tigress, or Innocence?   Or perhaps it’s the scent.  Is it the kind his mother wears, or the kind his ex-girlfriend used to?  Either way, the man needs a refresher.

He gives you…a gift certificate

You think: Great.  He spent about four and a half minutes shopping for me.

We say: Probably the opposite.   Most likely he spent four and a half DAYS combing the malls, bathed in cold sweat, too afraid to get you something you’d hate.  Then he gave up and passed the hot potato on to you.  Unless it’s just a coupon for a burger and fries, kiss the man and go shopping.

He gives you…an old fashioned floral arrangement

You think: He’s confused me with his grandma!

We say: Spare us the pity party, princess.  We’d kill for a man who remembers to send us flowers on special occasions.

He gives you…clothes, but they’re too big.

You think: Does my butt look the size of a barn to him?

We say: Give the man a break.  Men find our complex sizing codes (regular, misses, junior petite) harder to understand than a quadratic equation.  Unless your new gear is labelled ‘control top’, just smile sweetly, ask for the receipt, and exchange it.

He gives you…clothes, but they’re too small

You think: Is this a hint?  Is this the size he wants me to be?

We say: As above.  Be flattered that he doesn’t even notice those extra pounds you put on for the season.

He gives you…clothes, and they fit perfectly

You think: How many women has he been with that he knows a size 28 long when he sees one?

We say: Is there no pleasing you?  Poor guy probably sneaked into your closet and took painstaking note of all your clothing labels, sizes and colour preferences.  Give the man an A-plus and thank him appropriately.

He gives you…diamonds.  Especially if they go around your finger

You think: Diamonds!  Diamonds are forever! Does this mean we’re getting serious?  Are we engaged, or what?

We say: Whoa, there sweetcakes!  Slow down.  Unless your diamond ring is presented to you on bended knee, hold off on choosing your colour scheme.  Diamonds are pretty and sparkly.  He thinks you’re pretty and sparkly, too.  Once again, an A-plus is in order…as well as many, many thank-you kisses.

It’s all well and good to ponder and wonder about what his gift means or doesn’t mean, but don’t get carried away.  Sometimes a rose is just a rose.  Enjoy the fact  that he cares about you enough to get you something, and make sure he knows you appreciate how hard he tried.  And value his greatest gift of all: love.

Now, what are you getting for him? Let us know here.

A Backpack, a Chair and a Beard

A great book from a great person.

Good news! One of my favorite editing clients, Eamon Wood, has released his memoir, A Backpack, a Chair and a Beard. The cover blurb says more than I can:

A paraplegic since the age of four, Eamon found ways to give his wheelchair wings. He became the number one seed in the Kiwi men’s wheelchair tennis rankings, and represented his country on the men’s wheelchair basketball team, travelling the world. But that was in a safe, predictable team setting. He wanted more.

At twenty-eight, he set off on an epic journey, with little more than his backpack, his guitar, and an open mind. He hitchhiked around New Zealand’s southern island. The travelling bug took him to the UK and the USA, then along the fjords and lakes of Europe.

He slept rough, did odd jobs, busked in thoroughfares and made friends with oddballs. He wheeled his way through cities and small towns, searching… and found himself.

Join the Wayward Wheeler on his epic adventure, detailed with sincerity and humour in A Backpack, a Chair and a Beard.

I can in a completely non-partisan way that it’s a great read. Get it here on Kindle, or on RealNZBooks in New Zealand.

How not to fall for the wrong guy

Because sometimes we can be our own worst enemy.

Some of us (and we aren’t calling any names) are such die-hard romantics (and suckers for a cute smile) that once we’re bitten by the love bug, we just can’t stop ourselves from coming down with a serious case of romantic fever.

You know you shouldn’t.  You know he’s bad for you.  You just don’t know how to stop yourself.  Lucky for you, we do.  Here are a few pointers.

Stop looking for a daddy

It’s well known that as girls, our concepts of masculinity are moulded by our fathers.  Very often, we hook up with men who remind us, even on a subconscious level, of the first man who ever loved us and made us feel like a princess.  But if daddy wasn’t good to mommy, we run the risk of falling into the same trap—even if we swore we wouldn’t.

We need to remind ourselves that, living or dead, absent or present, loving or distant, we only ever had one daddy, and the last thing we need to do is go searching for Daddy #2 among our pool of suitors…especially if he won’t live up to our expectations.

 Don’t be fooled by chemistry

Maybe you don’t believe that sex is only for marriage, but chances are you see love and sex as inextricable…after all, that’s what we’ve been taught, right?  Good girls only sleep with men they love.

But if you follow that logic backwards, good girls must love the men they sleep with… and here’s where the problem starts.  You find a man who gets that electrical current flowing and you say to yourself, I want him, I desire him, I’m even sleeping with him.  So I must love him, right?

Wrong.  As nice as it is when the two meet in the middle, sex isn’t love, and love isn’t sex.  Keep your head on; don’t let your hormones dumb you down.

Stay away from him

Duh!  The best way not to get burned is to keep your hands out of the fire.  You might think you’re cool enough to handle him, so it’s okay for you to take a little drink now and then, play a little mas with the man, roll around on the cushions once in a while, and walk away unscathed.

But the love bug is ruthless when it sniffs out a victim, so if you can’t immunise yourself, at least stay far from the source of infection.

Stop believing in fairies

Or elves, good witches, or any magical creature you think can sprinkle pixie dust on the wrong man and miraculously make him right.  For that matter, stop deluding yourself into thinking he’s a piece of play dough and, if you squeeze and rub him right (mind out of the gutter, we’re speaking metaphorically here) you can mould him into what you want.

Honey, please.  The only woman who ever did any moulding on that man was his mother, and he’s way past that now.  So what makes you think you can change him?

Learn more about yourself

Once you’ve survived the train-wreck of your relationship, (or narrowly avoided a collision) use the experience to learn more about yourself.  Ask yourself a few hard questions, such as, Why do I keep falling for men like this?  Am I afraid of a relationship that will actually WORK?  Am I punishing myself, trying punish my parents, enjoying the drama? 

When you find the reasons behind your attraction, use this new knowledge about yourself to help you spot—and avoid—your next disaster in the making. 

The Nile is full of crocodiles

And denial is full of bad choices.  If you know he’s not the man the Universe has reserved for you, stop telling yourself everything is going to be okay.  Get out while you can, and keep looking.  Don’t run the risk of true love walking right past you in a pair of well-fitted jeans while you’re busy hanging on to something that just shouldn’t be.

Keep telling yourself you deserve to be happy—and so you will once Mr. Right knocks Mr. Oh-hell-no out of the picture.

Got any other ideas? Help a girl out in the comments!