You’ve gotten past the “getting to know you phase” and the “impress each other on dates” phase. The first blush of love has mellowed to a nice, comfortable pinkish hue, and after investing months or even years into your relationship, you start to think, hey, why not take this baby for a test drive around the block and see how she handles? You’re not ready to jump the broom, but maybe sharing an address is the next logical step.
The only thing is, you aren’t exactly spring bunnies; you’re both over 40, survived a few relationship wars, and haven’t called your mother’s house ‘home’ in 20 years. Is moving in with a man at this point really a good idea?
Let’s break it down and see.
Pro: You probably already have two houses to choose from.
By now, you’ve both got property, so running the gruelling housing gauntlet isn’t an issue. All you have to do is decide which home is most convenient to both of you in terms of distance from work, access to friends and family, and so on.
Con: Dogs aren’t the only creatures with a territorial instinct
As much as you love him, deep down you’ll still see your house as YOURS, and so will he. On a subconscious level, you’re going to resent the interloper if he tries to put his own stamp on your territory…and he will. Don’t be surprised if you have to choke down a grizzly-bear roar when you see him hammering a nail into YOUR wall to hang HIS butt-ugly painting.
Pro: you’ve probably got everything you need
Unless you’re excited about kitting out your joint home with spanking new stuff, you probably have between you all the furniture, appliances and linens you need.
Con: His, yours, ours
Which of the two fridges, master beds, coffee makers and salad spinners do you keep? And what do you do with the duplicates? Storing them might feel like you’re blighting the relationship…keeping a backup plan in case you have to move out again. Selling them might make you nervous…what if you break up and need them?
And just wait ‘till you catch him using YOUR measuring cup as a drinking glass…
Pro: You’ve probably lived with someone before, so little can shock you
Walking into the bathroom and discovering that your man doesn’t only use his beard trimmer to clip the hair on his FACE probably won’t send you screaming. There are, uh, personal things that people do in the privacy of their own homes that they don’t own up to during the ‘just dating’ phase.
Also, be grateful that he knows you bleach your moustache, but loves you anyway.
Con: Old habits resist death like Tasmanian devils resist being petted
Honey, in his 40-plus years on planet Earth, the man will have cultivated some stomach-churning habits that will not endear him to you. He’ll have friends who’ve been by his side since school days, and you can bet that at least one or two of them will leave you yearning for the solitude of a Tibetan mountain peak.
Think you can lay down the law and ‘fix’ him? Think again. This isn’t a young bronco you can break: this is an old work horse accustomed to his routine and he likes it that way. Try not to grind down the enamel on your teeth as you learn to live with it.
Other issues to consider:
- Baggage isn’t just found in airports. By age 40, most of us have accumulated a fair amount of it. Children…exes…a whole shopping list of life’s little collectibles that you will either have to love, tolerate, or get used to hating.
- Money matters. You may be used to ‘handling your stories’ financially, but now there are two of you. Do you pool your money and use it as you see fit, set up a separate housekeeping account and pay your bills out of that, or simply split up your expenses and each handle a specific set? Whatever you do, come up with a clear agreement early, or you can bet your bottom dollar (ha) that it will come back to haunt you.
Moving in together has its challenges, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Making that decision at ‘a certain age’ might have its own set of considerations. There may be lots to lose, but there’s lots to gain: love, companionship, sex on tap, and someone on hand to kill spiders and unscrew tight jar lids.
And there’s nothing wrong with that.
