When you peel away the wrappings on your honey’s Christmas gift to you this year, will you also have to uncover the hidden layers of meaning underneath? Are there any secret, unspoken messages sprinkled among the glitter and bows? Here’s our handy guide to guy-speak at Christmas time.
He gives you…exercise equipment
You think: He’s trying to tell me I’m fat!
We say: He’s concerned for your health. He’s been around long enough to know that your get-fit-for-Carnival binge starts right after Boxing Day, so he’s just trying to give you a head start. Kit up and start exercising. You’ll feel better, and you’ll have more energy in bed: a bonus for both of you.
He gives you…perfume. Which you never wear, because you’re allergic.
You think: He never pays attention! How could he not know perfume makes me sneeze?
We say: Yes, he probably needs to pay a little more mind to your likes and dislikes. Still, this gift is loaded with clues about what’s going on in his head. Maybe the name triggers an emotional response that could clue you in to his image of you: is it called Tigress, or Innocence? Or perhaps it’s the scent. Is it the kind his mother wears, or the kind his ex-girlfriend used to? Either way, the man needs a refresher.
He gives you…a gift certificate
You think: Great. He spent about four and a half minutes shopping for me.
We say: Probably the opposite. Most likely he spent four and a half DAYS combing the malls, bathed in cold sweat, too afraid to get you something you’d hate. Then he gave up and passed the hot potato on to you. Unless it’s just a coupon for a burger and fries, kiss the man and go shopping.
He gives you…an old fashioned floral arrangement
You think: He’s confused me with his grandma!
We say: Spare us the pity party, princess. We’d kill for a man who remembers to send us flowers on special occasions.
He gives you…clothes, but they’re too big.
You think: Does my butt look the size of a barn to him?
We say: Give the man a break. Men find our complex sizing codes (regular, misses, junior petite) harder to understand than a quadratic equation. Unless your new gear is labelled ‘control top’, just smile sweetly, ask for the receipt, and exchange it.
He gives you…clothes, but they’re too small
You think: Is this a hint? Is this the size he wants me to be?
We say: As above. Be flattered that he doesn’t even notice those extra pounds you put on for the season.
He gives you…clothes, and they fit perfectly
You think: How many women has he been with that he knows a size 28 long when he sees one?
We say: Is there no pleasing you? Poor guy probably sneaked into your closet and took painstaking note of all your clothing labels, sizes and colour preferences. Give the man an A-plus and thank him appropriately.
He gives you…diamonds. Especially if they go around your finger
You think: Diamonds! Diamonds are forever! Does this mean we’re getting serious? Are we engaged, or what?
We say: Whoa, there sweetcakes! Slow down. Unless your diamond ring is presented to you on bended knee, hold off on choosing your colour scheme. Diamonds are pretty and sparkly. He thinks you’re pretty and sparkly, too. Once again, an A-plus is in order…as well as many, many thank-you kisses.
It’s all well and good to ponder and wonder about what his gift means or doesn’t mean, but don’t get carried away. Sometimes a rose is just a rose. Enjoy the fact that he cares about you enough to get you something, and make sure he knows you appreciate how hard he tried. And value his greatest gift of all: love.
Now, what are you getting for him? Let us know here.
