Our Belgian shepherd mix, Kai Lan, died of pneumonia two weeks ago. She had been in treatment for a month, and though she rallied, the treatment didn’t work.
I held her in my arms as her heart pounded frantically, fit to burst out of her chest, and then it faded out like the last notes of a song.
She was ten years old, a friend to all, and well known in our neighborhood for being approachable and vivacious. It was a week before I could fall asleep without hearing again her final gasps.
A couple of years ago, I made the agonising decision to put one of my dogs to sleep. A lovely little girl called Beauty, who had been rallying for three weeks after an accident, but when she developed complications I decided to let her go.
But during that period my kids and I cared for her, hand-feeding her and cleaning her up. When she was hospitalised, we trooped in every afternoon after school to pet her, whisper her name, and let her know we loved her. And when she was gone, perhaps I sobbed more than my children did, but through my tears I realise what an important lesson it all was for them.
Children need
pets. There is something about caring
for a creature that’s dependent on you that teaches a set of life skills that
can’t help but translate into their wider life, both now and into adulthood:
compassion, empathy, responsibility, common sense, and discipline. But when the
time comes to say goodbye, there are pitfalls to be avoided, and opportunities
for growth. Here are some thoughts.
Don’t lie
You may think you’re
being kind, but telling your child that your pet ran away will only lead to
agonising hours wondering how bad they are that the pet they loved could run
away from them; where he is; if he’s cold, wet, and hungry; and so on.
Think you can get away
with telling them their pet went to live on a farm? Do you really want to spend
the next several months finding excuses why you can’t go visit? Furthermore, if
they find out you lied, they’re unlikely to trust you again soon.
Don’t use the sleep metaphor
Don’t tell your child
their pet went to sleep and didn’t wake up . . . unless you enjoy calming night
terrors or yelling at a kid to get back into bed at eleven at night. When I was a child, my grandmother made me
say the prayer, “Now I lay me down to sleep” every night. The line that
terrified me was, “And if I die before I wake . . ..”
What? You can die in
your SLEEP? If it can happen to their cat, they’re sure to reason that it can
happen to them. Boom. Sleepless nights ahead.
Be honest but age appropriate
I think kids get a
concept of death pretty early on, and it’s best for them if you explained that
their pet was old, injured or ill, and simply died.
In the case of
euthanasia, though, try to assess whether your child is capable of
understanding the concept of killing out of mercy. If you think the child is
old enough, explain that the process is fast, painless, and spares their pet
the alternative of dying in slow agony. The last time I had a pet put down my
kids would have been about five and seven, a little young in my estimation. I
chose to simply tell them their dog had died peacefully, rather than have them
think, Mummy murdered Tabby!
Don’t offer an immediate replacement
It might seem a good
idea to mask the hurt by saying, “Fluffy’s dead, so let’s get a new kitty!”,
but it isn’t. Sure, kids are distracted by new animals, and it would probably
put a smile on their face, but it also teaches them that love is disposable and
can be easily replaced. It’s not a leap for your child to think, if I die,
Mummy will just get a new baby . . ..
Don’t hide your own
sadness. Let them know that grief is an appropriate response. Help them
acknowledge their grief, work through their pain. Hold a funeral or memorial
service. Tell anecdotes about their pet, look at photos, maybe create some
artwork depicting happier times. And when the time is right a new pet—a new friend, not a replacement for an old one—will be a happy
addition to their family.
What happens after death?
Losing a pet is
training for the inevitable time when they will one day experience the loss of
a family member or other loved one. Often,
they will try to grasp the situation by asking what happens when an animal—or a
person—dies. Your response should depend on your
family’s beliefs, but it’s also just fine to say, “I don’t know.”
I have to admit I’ve brought up the idea of Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place where pets are believed to go when they die, to frolic for eternity in green pastures, maybe even waiting to see us again. My kids like the idea, I like the idea, and between you and me, it just might exist.
Ever had this experience? What do you think? Please leave a comment.
