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Moving in with him … after 40

Not ‘for better or worse’ … more like ‘for better or slightly less better’.

You’ve gotten past the “getting to know you phase” and the “impress each other on dates” phase. The first blush of love has mellowed to a nice, comfortable pinkish hue, and after investing months or even years into your relationship, you start to think, hey, why not take this baby for a test drive around the block and see how she handles? You’re not ready to jump the broom, but maybe sharing an address is the next logical step.

The only thing is, you aren’t exactly spring bunnies; you’re both over 40, survived a few relationship wars, and haven’t called your mother’s house ‘home’ in 20 years. Is moving in with a man at this point really a good idea?

Let’s break it down and see.

Pro: You probably already have two houses to choose from.

By now, you’ve both got property, so running the gruelling housing gauntlet isn’t an issue. All you have to do is decide which home is most convenient to both of you in terms of distance from work, access to friends and family, and so on.

Con: Dogs aren’t the only creatures with a territorial instinct

As much as you love him, deep down you’ll still see your house as YOURS, and so will he. On a subconscious level, you’re going to resent the interloper if he tries to put his own stamp on your territory…and he will. Don’t be surprised if you have to choke down a grizzly-bear roar when you see him hammering a nail into YOUR wall to hang HIS butt-ugly painting.

Pro: you’ve probably got everything you need

Unless you’re excited about kitting out your joint home with spanking new stuff, you probably have between you all the furniture, appliances and linens you need.

Con: His, yours, ours

Which of the two fridges, master beds, coffee makers and salad spinners do you keep? And what do you do with the duplicates? Storing them might feel like you’re blighting the relationship…keeping a backup plan in case you have to move out again. Selling them might make you nervous…what if you break up and need them?

And just wait ‘till you catch him using YOUR measuring cup as a drinking glass…

Pro: You’ve probably lived with someone before, so little can shock you

Walking into the bathroom and discovering that your man doesn’t only use his beard trimmer to clip the hair on his FACE probably won’t send you screaming. There are, uh, personal things that people do in the privacy of their own homes that they don’t own up to during the ‘just dating’ phase.

Also, be grateful that he knows you bleach your moustache, but loves you anyway.

Con: Old habits resist death like Tasmanian devils resist being petted

Honey, in his 40-plus years on planet Earth, the man will have cultivated some stomach-churning habits that will not endear him to you. He’ll have friends who’ve been by his side since school days, and you can bet that at least one or two of them will leave you yearning for the solitude of a Tibetan mountain peak.

Think you can lay down the law and ‘fix’ him? Think again. This isn’t a young bronco you can break: this is an old work horse accustomed to his routine and he likes it that way. Try not to grind down the enamel on your teeth as you learn to live with it.

Other issues to consider:

Baggage isn’t just found in airports. By age 40, most of us have accumulated a fair amount of it. Children…exes…a whole shopping list of life’s little collectibles that you will either have to love, tolerate, or get used to hating.
Money matters. You may be used to ‘handling your stories’ financially, but now there are two of you. Do you pool your money and use it as you see fit, set up a separate housekeeping account and pay your bills out of that, or simply split up your expenses and each handle a specific set? Whatever you do, come up with a clear agreement early, or you can bet your bottom dollar (ha) that it will come back to haunt you.

Moving in together has its challenges, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Making that decision at ‘a certain age’ might have its own set of considerations. There may be lots to lose, but there’s lots to gain: love, companionship, sex on tap, and someone on hand to kill spiders and unscrew tight jar lids.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Easy ways to improve your life … 30 days at a time

I dare you!

Every once in a while we stop and take stock of ourselves, and feel like we should change something. The problem lies in the mistaken belief that we should make huge, life-shaking changes…and that’s when we become discouraged.

The secret is to take on small, easy challenges, that take very little effort, but add up to so much in the end.

Here are 5 easy 30-day challenges that won’t take a whole lot out of you, but which are sure to add richness to your life.

Watch one documentary a day for 30 days.

Try short pieces like those on TED Talks; they usually run 15 minutes or so. Browse through and pick from the endless variety of topics. Be sure to share what you learned.

Take a photo every day for 30 days.

Keep your phone or pocket camera nearby, and keep an eye out for something that touches you or says something about your life. Post your photos online or in a private journal, with a short note explaining what the shot means to you. You’d be surprised how textured your life will seem once you open your eyes.

Say hello to a stranger every day for 30 days.

No, not creepy looking guys in the street, but people you pass by or interact with wordlessly all the time. The cashier at the store, the doubles man, the janitor at the office. “Hello? How are you? How’s your day going?” can make all the difference in someone else’s day.

Take a cold shower every day for 30 days.

No joke; most of us have become a little too dependent on the luxury of warm showers. A good, bracing daily shower will brighten your skin, wake you up, and make you more alert to face the day. It will also make you less dependent on first-world niceties that the vast majority of the world does without.

Swallow negative or pessimistic comments about yourself or others for 30 days.

You’ll be surprised how eliminating negativity from the tip of your tongue also erases it from your heart and your mood. You’ll start to feel lighter in no time.

Try one of these challenges, starting today.

Any more to suggest? Comment here.

How NOT to Dress on Your First Date

Rock your sense of style

Hey, you! Look what I found! An article I wrote YONKS ago, for some throwaway page. Even then, I knew it was all blather. But now, older me thinks this has got to be one of the most sexist things I have ever written.

WEAR WHATEVER YOU DAMN WELL PLEASE!

Anyway, enjoy. (*insert eye-roll)

You’re stepping out for the first time with a new man, and you’re well aware of just how much first impressions can affect whatever comes later. Not to put too much pressure on you, but it’s not just what you do and say that matters; it’s what you wear.

Sad, but true.

I’m sure you rock your own sense of style, but I’d like to pass on a few suggestions on what you don’t wear.

A makeup mask

If you wear enough makeup to make the Joker jealous, it’s probably too much. Most men don’t care that much one way or the other, but a heavy slick of paint makes them wary. You assume he’s admiring the airbrushing job you’ve done, but he’s really wondering . . . “Is she a cyborg? Is there a layer of titanium under all that?” Wear just enough to show you appreciate him enough to make the effort, and leave it at that.

Noisy jewellery

I love the chunky bead look, too, but if your wrist makes so much noise when you reach for the popcorn that people think cows have invaded the cinema, you’re wearing too much.

Heavy perfume

Maybe he has allergies. Maybe he doesn’t enjoy the sensation of being locked in a florist’s back room. Wait a little until you find out how he feels about heavy scents before you splash them on.

Micro mini, micro tops, micro anything

Unless he’s a dermatologist, he’s probably not interested in seeing wide expanses of your bare skin so soon. Something sexy but . . . uh . . . a little decorous might be a better bet.

**What you should wear**

A big smile, a positive attitude, and whatever shows your personality while making you comfortable. There; you’re all set.

Cringe, right? Don’t forget to comment!

All I Want for Christmas is … Not This

Assuming, of course, you want to get me something . . .

If you’re one of those people who are already well into their Christmas shopping, congratulations. The rest of us procrastinators will try not to hate you.

But while we’re on the subject, here’s a little heads-up. If our names are on your Christmas list, I’d like to suggest a few items you need to scratch OFF your list. Just to ensure we’re still friends come December 26^th. Especially you, guys. Yeah, I’m looking at you!

Diet or exercise gear/books/programmes/equipment

Know how to make a woman paranoid? That’s how you make a woman paranoid. YOU think you’re saying, “I love you and I want you to be healthy, so you can be around forever.” WE hear, “Baby, you’re so fat, when you get cut you bleed gravy.”

No matter how well-intentioned your gesture, or unless we asked for it, step AWAY from that set of dumbbells. You’re in the wrong store.

Cheap candy. Especially chocolate.

Luxurious, decadent chocolates are one step below angels’ kisses. Cheap, off-brand bargain chocolates taste like mud-pies made by the devil’s children. If the price tag on that box of chocolates doesn’t make you cringe, I’m not eating it.

Makeup

Unless you know me very well, and are able to visualise my exact skin-tone in your mind while buying cosmetics under glaring fluorescent lights, please don’t. I don’t want my face to look like I woke up in Woodbrook after sunrise on J’ouvert and can’t remember how I got there.

Anything Christmas-themed

Thank you for the lovely Rudolph-print T-Shirt and matching jingle-bell hat. I’ll think of you next time I wear it — 365 days from now….

A home-made black cake

How sweet. I’ll just store it right here in the back of the fridge … right next to the ones from the last 3 Christmases.

A live animal

As much as I adore anything 4-footed, I’d prefer to choose the companions I will be spending the next 10-15 years of my life with, thanks.

Dumb, pointless gadgets.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I don’t need a chicken-shaped egg-timer that doubles as a fingernail clipper, electric bedsocks, or a robot cat-petting machine. I’m pretty good at knowing when to turn my eggs off (and I bite my nails), my feet are always over-heated, and my cats have no complaints about my back-scratching abilities. That, and the fact that I think junk cluttering up my house is bad for my chi.

So, there you have it, my top don’t-wants for this season, and I’m sure I speak for many of my sisters. Do you want to know what we really want for Christmas? Why not let us climb onto your lap like Santa, and ask?

What does his Christmas gift mean?

The secret messages behind your man’s gifts

When you peel away the wrappings on your honey’s Christmas gift to you this year, will you also have to uncover the hidden layers of meaning underneath? Are there any secret, unspoken messages sprinkled among the glitter and bows? Here’s our handy guide to guy-speak at Christmas time.

He gives you…exercise equipment

You think: He’s trying to tell me I’m fat!

We say: He’s concerned for your health. He’s been around long enough to know that your get-fit-for-Carnival binge starts right after Boxing Day, so he’s just trying to give you a head start. Kit up and start exercising. You’ll feel better, and you’ll have more energy in bed: a bonus for both of you.

He gives you…perfume. Which you never wear, because you’re allergic.

You think: He never pays attention! How could he not know perfume makes me sneeze?

We say: Yes, he probably needs to pay a little more mind to your likes and dislikes. Still, this gift is loaded with clues about what’s going on in his head. Maybe the name triggers an emotional response that could clue you in to his image of you: is it called Tigress, or Innocence? Or perhaps it’s the scent. Is it the kind his mother wears, or the kind his ex-girlfriend used to? Either way, the man needs a refresher.

He gives you…a gift certificate

You think: Great. He spent about four and a half minutes shopping for me.

We say: Probably the opposite. Most likely he spent four and a half DAYS combing the malls, bathed in cold sweat, too afraid to get you something you’d hate. Then he gave up and passed the hot potato on to you. Unless it’s just a coupon for a burger and fries, kiss the man and go shopping.

He gives you…an old fashioned floral arrangement

You think: He’s confused me with his grandma!

We say: Spare us the pity party, princess. We’d kill for a man who remembers to send us flowers on special occasions.

He gives you…clothes, but they’re too big.

You think: Does my butt look the size of a barn to him?

We say: Give the man a break. Men find our complex sizing codes (regular, misses, junior petite) harder to understand than a quadratic equation. Unless your new gear is labelled ‘control top’, just smile sweetly, ask for the receipt, and exchange it.

He gives you…clothes, but they’re too small

You think: Is this a hint? Is this the size he wants me to be?

We say: As above. Be flattered that he doesn’t even notice those extra pounds you put on for the season.

He gives you…clothes, and they fit perfectly

You think: How many women has he been with that he knows a size 28 long when he sees one?

We say: Is there no pleasing you? Poor guy probably sneaked into your closet and took painstaking note of all your clothing labels, sizes and colour preferences. Give the man an A-plus and thank him appropriately.

He gives you…diamonds. Especially if they go around your finger

You think: Diamonds! Diamonds are forever! Does this mean we’re getting serious? Are we engaged, or what?

We say: Whoa, there sweetcakes! Slow down. Unless your diamond ring is presented to you on bended knee, hold off on choosing your colour scheme. Diamonds are pretty and sparkly. He thinks you’re pretty and sparkly, too. Once again, an A-plus is in order…as well as many, many thank-you kisses.

It’s all well and good to ponder and wonder about what his gift means or doesn’t mean, but don’t get carried away. Sometimes a rose is just a rose. Enjoy the fact that he cares about you enough to get you something, and make sure he knows you appreciate how hard he tried. And value his greatest gift of all: love.

Now, what are you getting for him? Let us know here.

How not to fall for the wrong guy

Because sometimes we can be our own worst enemy.

Some of us (and we aren’t calling any names) are such die-hard romantics (and suckers for a cute smile) that once we’re bitten by the love bug, we just can’t stop ourselves from coming down with a serious case of romantic fever.

You know you shouldn’t. You know he’s bad for you. You just don’t know how to stop yourself. Lucky for you, we do. Here are a few pointers.

Stop looking for a daddy

It’s well known that as girls, our concepts of masculinity are moulded by our fathers. Very often, we hook up with men who remind us, even on a subconscious level, of the first man who ever loved us and made us feel like a princess. But if daddy wasn’t good to mommy, we run the risk of falling into the same trap—even if we swore we wouldn’t.

We need to remind ourselves that, living or dead, absent or present, loving or distant, we only ever had one daddy, and the last thing we need to do is go searching for Daddy #2 among our pool of suitors…especially if he won’t live up to our expectations.

Don’t be fooled by chemistry

Maybe you don’t believe that sex is only for marriage, but chances are you see love and sex as inextricable…after all, that’s what we’ve been taught, right? Good girls only sleep with men they love.

But if you follow that logic backwards, good girls must love the men they sleep with… and here’s where the problem starts. You find a man who gets that electrical current flowing and you say to yourself, I want him, I desire him, I’m even sleeping with him. So I must love him, right?

Wrong. As nice as it is when the two meet in the middle, sex isn’t love, and love isn’t sex. Keep your head on; don’t let your hormones dumb you down.

Stay away from him

Duh! The best way not to get burned is to keep your hands out of the fire. You might think you’re cool enough to handle him, so it’s okay for you to take a little drink now and then, play a little mas with the man, roll around on the cushions once in a while, and walk away unscathed.

But the love bug is ruthless when it sniffs out a victim, so if you can’t immunise yourself, at least stay far from the source of infection.

Stop believing in fairies

Or elves, good witches, or any magical creature you think can sprinkle pixie dust on the wrong man and miraculously make him right. For that matter, stop deluding yourself into thinking he’s a piece of play dough and, if you squeeze and rub him right (mind out of the gutter, we’re speaking metaphorically here) you can mould him into what you want.

Honey, please. The only woman who ever did any moulding on that man was his mother, and he’s way past that now. So what makes you think you can change him?

Learn more about yourself

Once you’ve survived the train-wreck of your relationship, (or narrowly avoided a collision) use the experience to learn more about yourself. Ask yourself a few hard questions, such as, Why do I keep falling for men like this? Am I afraid of a relationship that will actually WORK? Am I punishing myself, trying punish my parents, enjoying the drama?

When you find the reasons behind your attraction, use this new knowledge about yourself to help you spot—and avoid—your next disaster in the making.

The Nile is full of crocodiles

And denial is full of bad choices. If you know he’s not the man the Universe has reserved for you, stop telling yourself everything is going to be okay. Get out while you can, and keep looking. Don’t run the risk of true love walking right past you in a pair of well-fitted jeans while you’re busy hanging on to something that just shouldn’t be.

Keep telling yourself you deserve to be happy—and so you will once Mr. Right knocks Mr. Oh-hell-no out of the picture.

Got any other ideas? Help a girl out in the comments!

Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions

Because stupidity is spreading like a virus.

Ever wonder how sometimes even the most discreet, polite people have no problem openly commenting on your appearance? Ever notice how most of those comments are targeted at your weight? What’s galling is that their observations are already noticeable to you, them, and just about everyone else. Even worse, they seem to enjoy phrasing their observation as a question.

Here are a few smart comebacks to some pretty silly questions that will help you maintain your dignity while letting the asker know just how you feel about their stupid question.

If they ask, “Are you getting fat?”

You can say:

“No, actually; I’m leaving on a week’s vacation and didn’t feel like packing a suitcase, so I’m wearing all my clothes at once.”
“Shh! I’m trying to shoplift a sack of rice. If you draw attention to me, I’ll get caught.”
“No, I’m having a hysterical pregnancy. You know how close I am to my dog, right? Well, she’s expecting pups, and my body is swelling up in empathy.”
“No, I’m field testing a new portable, personal air condition system. It’s a little bulky, but it’s a lovely 22 degrees inside, even in the blazing sun.”

If they ask, “Are you losing weight?”

You can say:

“Why, yes! I’ve decided to donate a month’s worth of food to a charity in Somalia. The hardest part was cramming that bucket of fried chicken through the mailbox slot.”
“Yes, but not voluntarily. I’ve contracted a bizarre parasite, previously unknown to science. Possibly alien. The entomologists say they’re going to name it after me.”
“Yes, my car broke down a few weeks ago, and I can’t afford to fix it, so I’m walking to work every day. Which isn’t so bad in itself, but carrying two children on my shoulders is just killing me.”
“No, I’m getting taller.”

RANDOM COVID UPDATE: If they ask, “Should I wear a mask around you?”

You can say:

“Only if you want to live.”
“Depends. How comfortable are you with being judged?”
“I dunno. Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya?”
“Yes.”

Of course, the best way to respond to rude questions is simply to cock one eyebrow, pause for a moment, and respond, “Why do you ask?”

If nothing works, that will.

Have a snappy answer (or a stupid question) of your own? Comment here.

The A-B-C of M-E-N

The Alpha and Omega of the male psyche

We’ve all heard of Alpha males and Beta males, but what about the Omegas and the Gammas? There’s an alphabet of men out there, and they’re all worth getting to know. Because as trite as it may sound, it really does take all kinds to make a world.

The Alpha

The Alpha male stands proud at the head of every pack. The Alpha gorilla sports a distinguished streak of silver down his back (hence the name ‘silverback’), which in gorilla-speak means ‘he who has his choice of the best females and the best food, and will beat the daylights out of any male dumb enough to put his hands on either.”

Similarly, the human Alpha male was born to be a CEO, a surgeon, a fireman or any other testosterone-soaked profession you can think of. Alpha males are the stuff of legend, the fabric of romantic fiction. The Alpha strides through life picking any fruit that catches his fancy, and his choice is wide: willing females clamber over each other to catch the eye of the Alpha.

The downside? Alphas are work-obsessed, driven and competitive. They bristle in the presence of another Alpha, especially if women or money are involved. The word ‘relax’ isn’t in their vocabulary. Alphas are heart attacks waiting to happen.

The Beta

The Beta male is usually found in the shadow of the Alpha. Generally not as large or strong, certainly not as driven, the Beta is a mild-mannered fellow who’d rather think than fight. Young Betas like computers because computers don’t corner them in school and punch them out of they don’t pay ‘tax’.

Don’t be fooled, though, Betas are neither cowards nor weaklings. Betas will fight for their females when necessary, although they’ll probably use more ingenuity and skill than brawn. They embrace professions like engineering, teaching and Information Technology. To paraphrase fantasy writer, Christopher Moore, when an Alpha goes to war, chances are he’s driving a tank engineered by a Beta.

Women like Betas because they’re solid and dependable. They make good fathers because they come home to dinner every night and are on hand to read the kids a bedtime story—unlike Alphas, who’d rather be hacking their way through the jungles of Peru looking for lost treasure.

The Omega

Omega animals get to eat the scraps left behind when the Alpha and the Betas have eaten. The human Omega male doesn’t get out much, and when he does, he’s usually part of the Alpha’s entourage: one of ‘de boyz and dem’. But he’s fine with that. He doesn’t want to be an Alpha. Why waste all that time and energy?

Omegas don’t need to sport the latest gear or tote the newest gadget to consider himself cool. The Omega is the anti-cool. He’s what cool would be if cool got sucked into a black hole. The Omega is who he is: that is all.

Although the Alphas and Betas secretly believe the Omega has a giant ‘L’ tattooed on his forehead, the Omega is no loser. The Omega gets by using brains, stealth and cunning. While the Alphas and Betas are out on the football field showing off their mad skillz, the Omega is in the bleachers chatting up the ladies.

Women like Omegas because they’re sweet and shy, which brings out their mommy instinct. Omegas write sentimental poetry and take out passionate ads in the papers declaring their love for you on Valentine’s Day. Omegas know that flattery will get them everywhere.

The Gamma

The Gamma male is, to put it kindly, a bit of a wuss. He’s hesitant to speak up or stand up for his rights. He’s not very ambitious, and as a result his income is low. A Gamma male will not only not fight back when he’s been stepped on; he’ll clean and polish the boots that stepped on him.

When they’re not busy feeling sorry for themselves or hiding from other members of the Man-Alphabet looking to drop-kick them, they’re staring up into the heavens, waiting for a comet to come hurtling out of the sky and put them out of their misery.

Women who like their men dominant should avoid Gammas like the plague. Women who like having the upper hand, and enjoy being adored by someone grateful for their mere presence, can feel free to hunt at will.

Every bread has its cheese

There’s a type of man out there to suit every taste, from the dominant to the retiring. From the ‘frontish’ to the shy. It remains only for us as women to know ourselves well enough to spot the letter that suits us best, so we can enjoy a match made in heaven rather than endure a mis-match made in hell.

Roslyn Carrington is a Beta to her very soul. All letters of the alphabet are welcome to friend her on Facebook.

Thoughts? Other letters to add? Leave them in the comments.

How not to be a Calamity Jane

Or Jack; dudes have their moments too.

You’re at a business dinner when someone you desperately want to impress arrives late. As you stand and offer your hand, your sleeve catches your wine glass. You watch in horror as it levitates, its contents arcing like a ruby rainbow. You try to halt its trajectory by lunging forward, forgetting you’re still holding your knife in the other hand, which lands point-down in your boss’ crème brulée. You make a grab for it, sending the gravy boat spinning. People leap out of the way while others stare, and there you stand with your new linen suit looking like it was spatter-painted by a two-year-old.

Calamity Jane strikes again.

Why is it that some people navigate life with effortless grace while others lurch forward like WWII tanks with square wheels?

Sometimes, chronic clumsiness can have medical roots, such as inner ear problems, motor co-ordination issues, and neurological conditions. Other causes to look out for include poor vision, infections, fatigue, stress, drug or alcohol use, even strokes. If your words constantly come out wrong, or if you have that nagging feeling that the way you move is just wonky, get yourself checked out by a doctor.

Generally speaking, though, some people are just born graceful…oh, and how we try hard not to hate them. Multiple intelligence theory suggests that we all have as many as nine different ‘intelligences’ or aptitudes. Those with high kinetic intelligence become the athletes and ballerinas of this world. Other people occasionally spill their tea or trip over a tree root, but otherwise manage to navigate the planet unscathed.

Then there are those of us who can’t be trusted to walk and chew gum at the same time. If you don’t fancy giving Mr. Bean a run for his money, consider employing some of these strategies to help you put one foot in front of the other without setting off a chain reaction of destruction.

Pay attention

Remember the infamous YouTube video of the woman walking into a fountain while texting? It sounds facetious, but if she’d taken her eyes off the screen she probably would have made it to the other end of the mall high and dry. In a multi-tasking world, it may feel like a waste of precious seconds to do just ONE thing at a time, but it works out better in the long run. Especially if that one thing involves navigating awkward terrain or handling a blade.

Limber up

Funny how the ‘e-word’, exercise, keeps cropping up everywhere, but physically fit people really do have better co-ordination. Apart from impacting your general health, exercises that promote strength and flexibility, such as yoga, Tai Chi, swimming, dancing, gymnastics and most martial arts, will improve your co-ordination and self-confidence.

Slow down

We get it: it’s a mad, mad world, and you have a million things to do before bed. Who doesn’t? But skating around like an out-take from a Benny Hill clip isn’t going to help you conquer your to-do list if you spend half that time cleaning up spills and picking up shards of crockery.

If you’re carrying a vase to the table, hold it in both hands and walk carefully. If you’re putting something down, make sure it’s level. Don’t run unless you’re being chased, especially not on the stairs. You are not Angelina Jolie’s stunt double.

Make sure your clothes fit

Too long, too short, too loose, too tight…all good ways to impair your movements and get you into a heap of trouble. Check your shoes regularly for signs of wear, on the soles and the buckles. Those of you who still use shoelaces in the age of velcro should make sure they’re securely tied. Trailing laces only look cute on kindergarteners, and if they trip on them, they have a much shorter distance to fall.

Lefties beware

A handful (pardon the pun) of studies suggest that left-handers have a slightly shorter life expectancy than righties. While much of this can be attributed to physical and biochemical differences (such as lowered immunity to certain diseases) some of it is also attributed to a higher rate of serious accidents.

Are lefties clumsier? Not necessarily, but they are bombarded daily by tools and implements designed for a right-handed world: doors, handles, machinery, even table settings. As a result, they handle items more awkwardly, and hurt themselves more often. Bottom line: lefties need to be more careful.

R-E-L-A-X

Don’t fool yourself; you’re going to have bad days. But with a little care and attention, you’re going to have more good ones than ever. Practice these rules long enough, and your Calamity Jane moments might well be behind you. Just don’t forget they’re there, and back up and trip over them.

Share your calamity stories in the comments!

Self-Imposed Celibacy

Why so many women are taking time off from sex.

While there are many women who would be scandalized by the mere idea of ‘doing without’ for any period of time, there are probably as many who long to take a break from the battlefield. For these women, a sexual hiatus is far from a ‘dry season’; it’s a chance to regroup and rediscover themselves and their priorities in an already oversexed world.

Among the many reasons women take this step are:

They’re tired of being hurt

Done-me-wrong songs go platinum for a reason: we’ve all been hurt, so we can all identify with the heartbreak set on the radio. For some women, though, the prospect of enduring another broken heart is more than they can bear. The hopeless romantics among us fall hard and fast, and too often, we fall for the wrong guy. Like a chameleon, ‘the wrong guy’ can appear in many disguises: married, slacker, parasite, user, closet bisexual, sweet-talker and two-timer. Who wouldn’t want to take a break from that?

Sex clouds the issue

Looking for Mr. Right is like being a pearl diver searching the sea floor for oysters, but at the same time, churning up the sand so that the water becomes too cloudy to see anything. Giving up sex for a while allows a woman’s vision to clear. Taking the prospect of sex (and its mind-altering effects) out of the equation makes it possible to judge a man on other qualities, and to spend more time getting to know who he really is.

It really isn’t necessary to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince: if you spend enough time in a man’s company, he’ll reveal by his words and actions whether or not he has royal blood.

They want to pursue other interests

Sex takes up a lot of a woman’s time. Well, not necessarily the act of making love, but everything that leads up to or results from it. The preparations for each date, the time spent shopping for the right outfit, the obsessions over the man in question (does he love me, did I say the right thing/act the right way last time we met, what if he doesn’t care for me as much as I care for him, ad nauseam) not only soak up huge amounts of valuable time, they also sap us of our energy.

Some women decide this is all too taxing, and turn their interests to something that brings them a sense of accomplishment while relieving them of their responsibility to satisfy someone else. They take an art class, write their memoirs, plant a garden, travel… and in so doing, reach out to someone truly deserving of their love and attention: themselves.

They’re afraid of catching something

HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HPV, herpes, hepatitis, thrush and trichomoniasis…the list goes on forever, but you get the picture. With all those vicious—and occasionally deadly—bugs out there, the only guaranteed way to avoid contraction is for two healthy people to be in a committed, faithful relationship. For some women, until that happens, nothing else if going to happen.

They don’t get much out of it anyway

Sadly, for some women, sex is situated somewhere on the pleasure scale between brushing their teeth and drying and packing away the dishes. It’s a necessary act, vital to maintain harmony in the home or the relationship, but not something they see as doing to please themselves.

Sometimes removing the sense of obligation is enough to give a woman time to find out whether her lack of sexual pleasure has emotional, psychological or physical causes, and to take steps to rectify the problem. With an understanding mate, taking a break can be the recipe for rediscovering sexual joy once the embargo is lifted.

They want to reach out and touch the face of God

Some women arrive at new religious convictions or embrace those of their youth, and in many instances, this includes reassessing their sexual behaviour. This may require reclaiming one’s lost innocence, wrapping oneself in a cloak of ‘neo-virginity’, and staying that way either until sex can be sanctioned by the religion in question (usually marriage) or until such time as the woman feels that her spiritual quest is complete.

A brief stint of celibacy can make a good thing better

Self-imposed celibacy can be for a specific period, or until some vague point in the future when a woman knows that re-entering the arena is the right decision for her. It doesn’t necessarily require a vow and a veil, but an awareness of the limits of one’s will power and a clear idea of the benefits and reasons for doing it.

What do you think? Any juicy stories? Leave a comment.