I don’t want to sound mean, but sometimes you get invited somewhere—to a dinner with people you’d rather avoid, to your cousin’s god-daughter’s piano recital, or even on a date with a guy who’s trying to get his ear-hairs into the Guinness Book of Records. You’d rather chew on tinfoil that go, but you don’t want to hurt any feelings either.
We’ve come up with a few off-the-cuff excuses that you can throw out in a moment of panic . . . but be warned: some can come with a backlash.
- “My car’s making a strange thumping sound, and I’d rather not be on the road at night.”
Backlash: They might turn out to be amateur mechanics, and begin hurling questions at you like, “Is it a steady thump-thump-thump, or more like a thumpety-thumpety-thump? Did you try rotarising the neutrals?” Worse yet, they might offer to pick you up.
- “I think my dog has chikungunya. I need to stay home and monitor him.”
Backlash: They might point out that dogs don’t get chikungunya, to which your only response is, “As far as you know . . ..”
- “I’m on a new Hollywood detox. It’s an extremely powerful cleanse, so I can’t be away from home for more than 20 minutes.
No backlash I can think of. If they begin to protest, launch into a graphic description of all the stuff that comes out of you. They’ll be off the phone before you can draw a second breath.
- “I have to help my grandma sort through her photo albums. You know how they are when they get old and start cracking up . . . the photos, I mean, not my grandma . . ..”
Warning: this excuse only works if your grandmother is still alive.
- “My kid flushed her teddy bear down the toilet. Then she tried to send the cat down to retrieve it. It’s hell in there . . ..”
No backlash here: they’ll hang up feeling relieved that they decided to remain childless.
- “Thanks, but I’d rather not.”
Clean, simple, and honest. If all else fails, try this one out. Let me know how it went.
