Ever wonder how sometimes even the most discreet, polite people have no problem openly commenting on your appearance? Ever notice how most of those comments are targeted at your weight? What’s galling is that their observations are already noticeable to you, them, and just about everyone else. Even worse, they seem to enjoy phrasing their observation as a question.
Here are a few smart comebacks to some pretty silly questions that will help you maintain your dignity while letting the asker know just how you feel about their stupid question.
If they ask, “Are you getting fat?”
You can say:
- “No, actually; I’m leaving on a week’s vacation and didn’t feel like packing a suitcase, so I’m wearing all my clothes at once.”
- “Shh! I’m trying to shoplift a sack of rice. If you draw attention to me, I’ll get caught.”
- “No, I’m having a hysterical pregnancy. You know how close I am to my dog, right? Well, she’s expecting pups, and my body is swelling up in empathy.”
- “No, I’m field testing a new portable, personal air condition system. It’s a little bulky, but it’s a lovely 22 degrees inside, even in the blazing sun.”
If they ask, “Are you losing weight?”
You can say:
- “Why, yes! I’ve decided to donate a month’s worth of food to a charity in Somalia. The hardest part was cramming that bucket of fried chicken through the mailbox slot.”
- “Yes, but not voluntarily. I’ve contracted a bizarre parasite, previously unknown to science. Possibly alien. The entomologists say they’re going to name it after me.”
- “Yes, my car broke down a few weeks ago, and I can’t afford to fix it, so I’m walking to work every day. Which isn’t so bad in itself, but carrying two children on my shoulders is just killing me.”
- “No, I’m getting taller.”
RANDOM COVID UPDATE: If they ask, “Should I wear a mask around you?”
You can say:
- “Only if you want to live.”
- “Depends. How comfortable are you with being judged?”
- “I dunno. Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya?”
- “Yes.”
Of course, the best way to respond to rude questions is simply to cock one eyebrow, pause for a moment, and respond, “Why do you ask?”
If nothing works, that will.
Have a snappy answer (or a stupid question) of your own? Comment here.
