If you’re one of those people who are already well into their Christmas shopping, congratulations. The rest of us procrastinators will try not to hate you.
But while we’re on the subject, here’s a little heads-up. If our names are on your Christmas list, I’d like to suggest a few items you need to scratch OFF your list. Just to ensure we’re still friends come December 26th. Especially you, guys. Yeah, I’m looking at you!
Diet or exercise gear/books/programmes/equipment
Know how to make a woman paranoid? That’s how you make a woman paranoid. YOU think you’re saying, “I love you and I want you to be healthy, so you can be around forever.” WE hear, “Baby, you’re so fat, when you get cut you bleed gravy.”
No matter how well-intentioned your gesture, or unless we asked for it, step AWAY from that set of dumbbells. You’re in the wrong store.
Cheap candy. Especially chocolate.
Luxurious, decadent chocolates are one step below angels’ kisses. Cheap, off-brand bargain chocolates taste like mud-pies made by the devil’s children. If the price tag on that box of chocolates doesn’t make you cringe, I’m not eating it.
Makeup
Unless you know me very well, and are able to visualise my exact skin-tone in your mind while buying cosmetics under glaring fluorescent lights, please don’t. I don’t want my face to look like I woke up in Woodbrook after sunrise on J’ouvert and can’t remember how I got there.
Anything Christmas-themed
Thank you for the lovely Rudolph-print T-Shirt and matching jingle-bell hat. I’ll think of you next time I wear it — 365 days from now….
A home-made black cake
How sweet. I’ll just store it right here in the back of the fridge … right next to the ones from the last 3 Christmases.
A live animal
As much as I adore anything 4-footed, I’d prefer to choose the companions I will be spending the next 10-15 years of my life with, thanks.
Dumb, pointless gadgets.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I don’t need a chicken-shaped egg-timer that doubles as a fingernail clipper, electric bedsocks, or a robot cat-petting machine. I’m pretty good at knowing when to turn my eggs off (and I bite my nails), my feet are always over-heated, and my cats have no complaints about my back-scratching abilities. That, and the fact that I think junk cluttering up my house is bad for my chi.
So, there you have it, my top don’t-wants for this season, and I’m sure I speak for many of my sisters. Do you want to know what we really want for Christmas? Why not let us climb onto your lap like Santa, and ask?
