Category: Free Advice

The funny thing about love is that it keeps us so rooted in the NOW.  We like how it makes us feel…right now.  We like the way our heart thumps when he looks our way, and the second he touches us…ooh, we wish this moment will never end.

But NOW is just a series of moments, some good, some not so good, trickling through an hourglass.  It behoves us to bet our chips on a relationship that will still be there, thriving and growing years into the future, rather than waste precious time on one that feels good now, but doesn’t stand a snow-cone’s chance on a hot pavement.

How can you tell if your relationship is here to stay? Take my utterly uninformed and random quiz and see.

His past relationships:

1. He’s had a few long-term girlfriends, thinks of them fondly, and can still remember their food preferences, dogs’ names, and favourite songs.
2. He doesn’t mind a little weekend fling, but has had a girlfriend or two. 
3. His guest towels are embroidered with “His” and “Whoever”.

Family ties:

1. You feel comfortable enough with his family to turn up on his mother’s doorstep with your belly in your hand, even when he’s not with you.
2. His folks are warm and welcoming, but occasionally his mother slips up and calls you by the name of his previous girlfriend.
3. His family refers to you not by name but by number.  And it’s a high number.

“The biggest arguments you have about your future is what you’re going to name your children and what colour you’re going to paint the kitchen.”

Sex

1. Your bedtime romps are loving, playful, adventurous and satisfying.  If he doesn’t know what you want, he’ll ask.  Toys are involved, but not the kind so scary you need a licence just to rev them up.
2. Sex is good…when you have it.  It’s just that sometimes, your appetites don’t seem to mesh.   You have this nagging feeling that if you didn’t work hard at keeping your desire up, the embers would cool to ash…and deep down, you wouldn’t care.
3. The man has so many moves in his playbook you begin to suspect he WROTE the playbook.  He talks dirty, which is nice…except when his sex chat consists of long, detailed descriptions of his past adventures, and the woman he’s had them with.  Some of his exploits could have gotten him arrested.

Money

1. For the most part, you see eye to eye on how money should be handled.  When the subject of future finances crops up, he uses the word “we” a lot.
2. You have occasional rows about money, and sometimes you wish he paid more attention to financial management.  He spends way too much on tech toys and i-Whatsits, but he hasn’t let the electrical service get cut…yet.
3. Hello, Ant?  This is Grasshopper.  You have a lil’ change to spare?

Future goals

1. You pretty much want the same thing.  The biggest arguments you have about your future is what you’re going to name your children and what colour you’re going to paint the kitchen.
2. He’s feeling nesty, but you want to travel a bit before you settle down.  But you come up with a compromise that works for both of you.
3. You want a house 45 minutes from town, a son and daughter, in that order, and a dog rescued from the pound.  He wants a houseboat moored on the banks of the Caroni, children give him hives, and his only use for small mammals is to feed his pet macajuel.

Other good indicators are similarities in:

• Religious beliefs
• Educational background
• Politics
• Women’s rights
• Friends

Scoring

Mostly As – One day, you’ll sit on the porch with your grandchildren on your knees.

Mostly Bs – You may not be as compatible as hops and ham, but with some work—and some serious, honest discussions or your goals, hopes and needs—you just might make it.

Mostly Cs – The life expectancy of your relationship slightly exceeds that of yogurt.

Some of us (and we aren’t calling any names) are such die-hard romantics (and suckers for a cute smile) that once we’re bitten by the love bug, we just can’t stop ourselves from coming down with a serious case of romantic fever.

You know you shouldn’t.  You know he’s bad for you.  You just don’t know how to stop yourself.  Lucky for you, we do.  Here are a few pointers.

Stop looking for a daddy

It’s well known that as girls, our concepts of masculinity are moulded by our fathers.  Very often, we hook up with men who remind us, even on a subconscious level, of the first man who ever loved us and made us feel like a princess.  But if daddy wasn’t good to mommy, we run the risk of falling into the same trap—even if we swore we wouldn’t.

We need to remind ourselves that, living or dead, absent or present, loving or distant, we only ever had one daddy, and the last thing we need to do is go searching for Daddy #2 among our pool of suitors…especially if he won’t live up to our expectations.

 Don’t be fooled by chemistry

Maybe you don’t believe that sex is only for marriage, but chances are you see love and sex as inextricable….after all, that’s what we’ve been taught, right?  Good girls only sleep with men they love.

But if you follow that logic backwards, good girls must love the men they sleep with… and here’s where the problem starts.  You find a man who gets that electrical current flowing and you say to yourself, I want him, I desire him, I’m even sleeping with him.  So I must love him, right?

Wrong.  As nice as it is when the two meet in the middle, sex isn’t love, and love isn’t sex.  Keep your head on; don’t let your hormones dumb you down.

Stay away from him

Duh!  The best way not to get burned is to keep your hands out of the fire.  You might think you’re cool enough to handle him, so it’s okay for you to take a little drink now and then, play a little mas with the man, roll around on the cushions once in a while, and walk away unscathed.

But the love bug is ruthless when it sniffs out a victim, so if you can’t immunise yourself, at least stay far from the source of infection.

Stop believing in fairies

Or elves, good witches, or any magical creature you think can sprinkle pixie dust on the wrong man and miraculously make him right.  For that matter, stop deluding yourself into thinking he’s a piece of play dough and, if you squeeze and rub him right (mind out of the gutter, we’re speaking metaphorically here) you can mould him into what you want.

Honey, please.  The only woman who ever did any moulding on that man was his mother, and he’s way past that now.  So what makes you think you can change him?

Learn more about yourself

Once you’ve survived the train-wreck of your relationship, (or narrowly avoided a collision) use the experience to learn more about yourself.  Ask yourself a few hard questions, such as, Why do I keep falling for men like this?  Am I afraid of a relationship that will actually WORK?  Am I punishing myself, trying punish my parents, enjoying the drama? 

When you find the reasons behind your attraction, use this new knowledge about yourself to help you spot—and avoid—your next disaster in the making. 

The Nile is full of crocodiles

And denial is full of bad choices.  If you know he’s not the man the Universe has reserved for you, stop telling yourself everything is going to be okay.  Get out while you can, and keep looking.  Don’t run the risk of true love walking right past you in a pair of well-fitted jeans while you’re busy hanging on to something that just shouldn’t be.

Keep telling yourself you deserve to be happy—and so you will once Mr. Right knocks Mr. Oh-hell-no out of the picture.

Any more ideas? Leave a comment!

I don’t want to sound mean, but sometimes you get invited somewhere—to a dinner with people you’d rather avoid, to your cousin’s god-daughter’s piano recital, or even on a date with a guy who’s trying to get his ear-hairs into the Guinness Book of Records. You’d rather chew on tinfoil that go, but you don’t want to hurt any feelings either.

We’ve come up with a few off-the-cuff excuses that you can throw out in a moment of panic . . . but be warned: some can come with a backlash.

1. “My car’s making a strange thumping sound, and I’d rather not be on the road at night.”

Backlash: They might turn out to be amateur mechanics, and begin hurling questions at you like, “Is it a steady thump-thump-thump, or more like a thumpety-thumpety-thump? Did you try rotarising the neutrals?” Worse yet, they might offer to pick you up.

• “I think my dog has chikungunya. I need to stay home and monitor him.”

Backlash: They might point out that dogs don’t get chikungunya, to which your only response is, “As far as you know . . ..”

• “I’m on a new Hollywood detox. It’s an extremely powerful cleanse, so I can’t be away from home for more than 20 minutes.

No backlash I can think of. If they begin to protest, launch into a graphic description of all the stuff that comes out of you. They’ll be off the phone before you can draw a second breath.

• “I have to help my grandma sort through her photo albums. You know how they are when they get old and start cracking up . . . the photos, I mean, not my grandma . . ..”

Warning: this excuse only works if your grandmother is still alive.

• “My kid flushed her teddy bear down the toilet. Then she tried to send the cat down to retrieve it. It’s hell in there . . ..”

No backlash here: they’ll hang up feeling relieved that they decided to remain childless.

• “Thanks, but I’d rather not.”

Clean, simple, and honest. If all else fails, try this one out. Let me know how it went.

You’ve gotten past the “getting to know you phase” and the “impress each other on dates” phase.  The first blush of love has mellowed to a nice, comfortable pinkish hue, and after investing months or even years into your relationship, you start to think, hey, why not take this baby for a test drive around the block and see how she handles?  You’re not ready to jump the broom, but maybe sharing an address is the next logical step.

The only thing is, you aren’t exactly spring bunnies; you’re both over 40, survived a few relationship wars, and haven’t called your mother’s house ‘home’ in 20 years.  Is moving in with a man at this point really a good idea?

Let’s break it down and see.

Pro: You probably already have two houses to choose from.

By now, you’ve both got property, so running the gruelling housing gauntlet isn’t an issue.  All you have to do is decide which home is most convenient to both of you in terms of distance from work, access to friends and family, and so on.

Con: Dogs aren’t the only creatures with a territorial instinct

As much as you love him, deep down you’ll still see your house as YOURS, and so will he.  On a subconscious level, you’re going to resent the interloper if he tries to put his own stamp on your territory…and he will.  Don’t be surprised if you have to choke down a grizzly-bear roar when you see him hammering a nail into YOUR wall to hang HIS butt-ugly painting.

Pro: you’ve probably got everything you need

Unless you’re excited about kitting out your joint home with spanking new stuff, you probably have between you all the furniture, appliances and linens you need.

Con: His, yours, ours

Which of the two fridges, master beds, coffee makers and salad spinners do you keep?  And what do you do with the duplicates?  Storing them might feel like you’re blighting the relationship…keeping a backup plan in case you have to move out again.  Selling them might make you nervous…what if you break up and need them?

And just wait ‘till you catch him using YOUR measuring cup as a drinking glass…

Pro: You’ve probably lived with someone before, so little can shock you

Walking into the bathroom and discovering that your man doesn’t only use his beard trimmer to clip the hair on his FACE probably won’t send you screaming.   There are, uh, personal things that people do in the privacy of their own homes that they don’t own up to during the ‘just dating’ phase.

 Also, be grateful that he knows you bleach your moustache, but loves you anyway.

Con: Old habits resist death like Tasmanian devils resist being petted

Honey, in his 40-plus years on planet Earth, the man will have cultivated some stomach-churning habits that will not endear him to you.  He’ll have friends who’ve been by his side since school days, and you can bet that at least one or two of them will leave you yearning for the solitude of a Tibetan mountain peak. 

Think you can lay down the law and ‘fix’ him?  Think again.  This isn’t a young bronco you can break: this is an old work horse accustomed to his routine and he likes it that way.  Try not to grind down the enamel on your teeth as you learn to live with it.

Other issues to consider:

• Baggage isn’t just found in airports.  By age 40, most of us have accumulated a fair amount of it.  Children…exes…a whole shopping list of life’s little collectibles that you will either have to love, tolerate, or get used to hating.
• Money matters.  You may be used to ‘handling your stories’ financially, but now there are two of you.  Do you pool your money and use it as you see fit, set up a separate housekeeping account and pay your bills out of that, or simply split up your expenses and each handle a specific set?  Whatever you do, come up with a clear agreement early, or you can bet your bottom dollar (ha) that it will come back to haunt you.

Moving in together has its challenges, and shouldn’t be taken lightly.  Making that decision at ‘a certain age’ might have its own set of considerations.  There may be lots to lose, but there’s lots to gain: love, companionship, sex on tap, and someone on hand to kill spiders and unscrew tight jar lids.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

The first date.  It’s a thick hunk of excitement, slathered in promise, sandwiched between two slices of stress. You have to look good . . . but not too good, so he doesn’t think you’re trying too hard.  You have to flirt just enough to keep him tantalised, but not so much that he wonders if you’re the kind of girl who’d throw herself at a Good Friday Bobolee if it was wearing cologne and a nice suit.

Plus you have to find out as much as you can about him.  Presumably, if you’re actually out with the man, you’ve already ruled out the possibility that he’s an axe murderer or an escapee from an asylum.  But there’s a whole lot of stuff you should find out about him before you proceed to date two.  And the only way to get information is to come right out and ask. 

Here are a few questions that could give you X-ray vision into his mind.

What’s the scariest/grossest/most fun thing you have ever done?

This one will take him off guard.  He was probably expecting you to ask about his job, his family, his marital status . . . but this?  His answer will give you some insight into what excites him, interests, him, turns him off or on. 

Good follow-ups are: And how did you deal with it?  What did you learn?  Would you do it again?

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?

His answer can tell you how he feels about his heritage (does he want to visit the land of his ancestors?); his boyish fantasies (white-water rafting in Canada, photo safaris in Kenya); or his secret sexual desires (Bangkok, anyone?)

Another similar question: You have $1 million and one week to spend it.  Go.

If you could do any job other than the one you’re doing now, what would it be?

This is a twist on the old “what do you do for a living” question, and one that won’t make him feel you’re busy calculating his net worth at the back of your head.  His dream career will tell you where his ambitions and skills lie, and how creative he can be when it comes to dreaming big.

Other than your immediate family, what one person has had the most impact on you?

This is a good one because it will tell you what’s important to him: information, guidance, advice, encouragement, etc.  It will also show whether he’s grateful for the helping hands he’s received in his life.  There’s no such thing as a self-made man.  If he shrugs it off and says, “Nobody.  I got where I am all on my own,” he’s just fooling himself . . . but not you.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?

Does he want to save the world, raise the dead, defeat bad guys?  Cool.  Does he want to crush his enemies with an indestructible fist, burn them to a crisp with his laser-beam eyes, and hear the wailing of their womenfolk?  Run.  Run fast.

Tell me about your longest-lasting friendship, and what keeps you two together?

His answer to this one will tell you what he values about his relationships, and whether he’s a good friend or not.  (Remember, before he can become your lover, he’s got to become your friend.)

So there you go: a few questions to keep the conversational ball rolling without leaving him feeling blindsided.  He’ll probably be grateful (and flattered) that you’re interested enough to ask.  Don’t think about it as an interrogation, think of it as an interview . . . for the privileged position of Keeper of Your Heart.

Questions NEVER to ask on a first date:

• Do you want children?
• Do you think that girl over there is pretty?  Prettier than me?
• Can I have a lick of your ice cream?
• This dress is ugly, isn’t it?  I knew I shouldn’t have worn it.  I shouldn’t have worn it, right?  It’s okay, you can tell me.
• Is your brother single?  I’m just asking because . . . well, I’m just asking. . . .

Comments? Any questions you’d like to add? What’s the worst question anyone ever asked you?