Our Belgian shepherd mix, Kai Lan, died of pneumonia two weeks ago. She had been in treatment for a month, and though she rallied, the treatment didn’t work.
I held her in my arms as her heart pounded frantically, fit to burst out of her chest, and then it faded out like the last notes of a song.
She was ten years old, a friend to all, and well known in our neighborhood for being approachable and vivacious. It was a week before I could fall asleep without hearing again her final gasps.
A couple of years ago, I made the agonising decision to put one of my dogs to sleep. A lovely little girl called Beauty, who had been rallying for three weeks after an accident, but when she developed complications I decided to let her go.
But during that period my kids and I cared for her, hand-feeding her and cleaning her up. When she was hospitalised, we trooped in every afternoon after school to pet her, whisper her name, and let her know we loved her. And when she was gone, perhaps I sobbed more than my children did, but through my tears I realise what an important lesson it all was for them.
Children need pets. There is something about caring for a creature that’s dependent on you that teaches a set of life skills that can’t help but translate into their wider life, both now and into adulthood: compassion, empathy, responsibility, common sense, and discipline. But when the time comes to say goodbye, there are pitfalls to be avoided, and opportunities for growth. Here are some thoughts.
Don’t lie
You may think you’re being kind, but telling your child that your pet ran away will only lead to agonising hours wondering how bad they are that the pet they loved could run away from them; where he is; if he’s cold, wet, and hungry; and so on.
Think you can get away with telling them their pet went to live on a farm? Do you really want to spend the next several months finding excuses why you can’t go visit? Furthermore, if they find out you lied, they’re unlikely to trust you again soon.
Don’t use the sleep metaphor
Don’t tell your child their pet went to sleep and didn’t wake up . . . unless you enjoy calming night terrors or yelling at a kid to get back into bed at eleven at night. When I was a child, my grandmother made me say the prayer, “Now I lay me down to sleep” every night. The line that terrified me was, “And if I die before I wake . . ..”
What? You can die in your SLEEP? If it can happen to their cat, they’re sure to reason that it can happen to them. Boom. Sleepless nights ahead.
Be honest but age appropriate
I think kids get a concept of death pretty early on, and it’s best for them if you explained that their pet was old, injured or ill, and simply died.
In the case of euthanasia, though, try to assess whether your child is capable of understanding the concept of killing out of mercy. If you think the child is old enough, explain that the process is fast, painless, and spares their pet the alternative of dying in slow agony. The last time I had a pet put down my kids would have been about five and seven, a little young in my estimation. I chose to simply tell them their dog had died peacefully, rather than have them think, Mummy murdered Tabby!
Don’t offer an immediate replacement
It might seem a good idea to mask the hurt by saying, “Fluffy’s dead, so let’s get a new kitty!”, but it isn’t. Sure, kids are distracted by new animals, and it would probably put a smile on their face, but it also teaches them that love is disposable and can be easily replaced. It’s not a leap for your child to think, if I die, Mummy will just get a new baby . . ..
Don’t hide your own sadness. Let them know that grief is an appropriate response. Help them acknowledge their grief, work through their pain. Hold a funeral or memorial service. Tell anecdotes about their pet, look at photos, maybe create some artwork depicting happier times. And when the time is right a new pet—a new friend, not a replacement for an old one—will be a happy addition to their family.
What happens after death?
Losing a pet is training for the inevitable time when they will one day experience the loss of a family member or other loved one. Often, they will try to grasp the situation by asking what happens when an animal—or a person—dies. Your response should depend on your family’s beliefs, but it’s also just fine to say, “I don’t know.”
I have to admit I’ve brought up the idea of Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place where pets are believed to go when they die, to frolic for eternity in green pastures, maybe even waiting to see us again. My kids like the idea, I like the idea, and between you and me, it just might exist.
Ever had this experience? What do you think? Please leave a comment.
